one month

(Thirty days ago I started "30 days of beauty" and this is the 30th day)

Looking for and enjoying beauty is a way to nourish the soul. The universe is in the habit of making beauty. There are flowers and songs, snowflakes and smiles, acts of great courage, laughter between friends, a job well done, the smell of fresh-baked bread. Beauty is everywhere." - Matthew Fox 

The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been kindness, beauty and truth. Albert Einstein 

I don't think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains....My advice is: Go outside, to the fields, enjoy nature and the sunshine, go out and try to recapture happiness in yourself and in God. Think of all the beauty that's still left in and around you and be happy! - Anne Frank 

Walk on a rainbow trail; walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song

February 27

Yes, I have a facebook. I have a myspace. But my heart belongs to blogspot. Still, I have come to see a virtue in the other two. I have a huge group of folks I know; some I have known for years, and some have known me from the day I was born. So, I can kinda keep in touch through these other forums. I can see pictures of them on vacation, or find out when they're playing the guitar at a local gig. I check in once in a while and have even started to participate, albeit, minimally, in the poking, sending gifts, and joining odd clubs. But the blogworld is home. It's words. It's stories. It's not a single sound bite, it's a concert. In blogworld, we don't start out as familiar, we get there through our writing. Every once in a while people stop blogging (where are you Hermitgrrl? write me Imez!) and I miss their words. Sometimes they switch from one to the other, for good reason (Hi jillyineyre). And sometimes they reply and contribute. Yesterday, Tyge from neonlounge sent me this recording of jjgrey and mofro relating to my Feb 26th blog. Thanks Tyge! I loved it!! It's the second song, Nare Sugar, and if you want to skip to the Flagstaff reference (although you might just want to listen to the music) go 1:30 into the song. Check it out......


http://www.archive.org/details/jjgreyandmofro2007-03-28.matrix.flac16

I'm just warming up

Warmth. It's finally warm outside. I'm ready for tulips to emerge from the ground and I'm ready to start planting tomato plants and pole beans. Hahahahahaha! Wait, I live in Flagstaff. Here's what will really happen.....the next week will be stellar; warm, sunny, no jacket. People here will start wearing flip flops and shorts. The sale of sunglasses will sky rocket and the cinders still littering the streets will slowly disappear. Everyone will be happy and slightly giddy. The greeting will be, "Isn't this weather wonderful?!" and the reply of "Ohhhh yes, it's heavenly outside" will ring through the streets. It will be Who-ville, only instead of being excited about Christmas, we'll all be excited about the temperature clocking in at 55 degrees.

Then, sometime in March, the Grinch of snowandchill will bite us all in the butt. We'll go to bed with only a comforter and a flannel sheet and wake up FROZEN. We'll look out the window and the whole world will be white. Hahahahaha. That was the Grinch laughing, not me. My son will have a dreaded snow day. Augghhhh. B will have to shovel the driveway. Curses! And I will turn the heater up to 80 degrees. $$$$. Damn.

There will be several more snows before spring. Realistically, there's no planting to be done until late May. I just might have chains on my car tires again. So, I suppose the beauty is that during the middle of winter, there are warm, sunny, short-sleeve, flip-flop weather days. Even the chickens are out in the sun indulging in dust baths.

And talking about chillin' with my peeps, I want to give a shout out to a couple of gals who I know are reading my blog; Dale and Greta. I hope you enjoy reading it half as much as I enjoy writing it! Rock on, girlfriends!

Memory

I wrote a post a couple days ago where I just listed a bunch of things that were beautiful to me. One of them was memory. Sometimes I read about (in People magazine!) someone who has no memory at all, and I always feel so sad for them. Memory is what keeps me going at times. I had to fill out this form for Jay tonight and it had a space on it for "in case of emergency" and I wanted to put my dad. Silly. I thought, well that's who to notify. But, as I've mentioned before, I do not have his phone number anymore.

I must make my father out to be a saint sometimes. He wasn't, of course. He was a good man; honest and kind and salt of the earth. But he also did things that weren't so good. Once, when I was maybe ten, we were at a golf tournament. Me, my mom and my dad. It was toward evening and we were waiting for all the results to come in. Now, my dad was not a heavy drinker. My parents never had drinks when it was just the two of them. They'd have a couple bourbons when they went out with friends but nothing too extreme. This one night though, at the clubhouse, in a town about 90 minutes from where we lived, my dad had eight Bloody Mary's. I know this because my mom asked him and he told her. I remember being mortified. I remember it was eight. I remember he slurred and wobbled. A friend of my dad's had to drive us all home. My dad was funny, as opposed to mean, but as a kid I was horribly embarrassed.

Now, as an adult myself, I like that memory. Memory reminds me of where I come from, it lets me remember my past and my parents. There were time I never thought I would live through their deaths. We were very close, the three of us, and there were certainly times I couldn't imagine myself without them. The beauty of memory is that I don't have to live without them. They are in so much that I do. I keep them in poems and stories and the way I raise Jay. I recall the past, and I can see and hear them again. Now, if I think about the night that my dad had eight Bloody Mary's, I remember being so flipping mad, but I also see it from adult eyes, and I wish I could remember what he said, on the 90 mile ride home; his friend driving the car, his wife next to him, his child staring intently out the window, and him, cracking jokes and having a good laugh.

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we
must carry it with us or we find it not.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Politics

Yeah Obama!!! What a great speech. Jay counted 38 standing ovations (sit down already!).

Trying

Hmmmmm.
Nope, can't think of one thing.
Damn.
Wait.
My son is beautiful.
Memory.
Neil Young singing Helpless.
Dusk. Perfect peaches.
Talking about anything
and it being okay.
UFO's.
Lemon tarts. Coffee,
double tall soy latte.
Dry socks. Sorrel. Breathing.
Wood floors and rugs.
A hand on your waist.
Yellow.
A glass of red and a medium tenderloin
with butter. Family. An iris in a vase.
Cash. Sitting. Books.
When people like you. Music.
Feeling better after the flu. Green tea.
Punctuation.
Past life spillover.
Healing. Chocolate cake.
Blankets. Giving.
A clean dog. Roly-poly bugs.
Scars. Dirt.
Catching a fish.
Poems.

Encore

I was thinking about poetry today. I start the poetry section in my English 102 class soon. I teach poetry on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I read poetry at least weekly. And I write poetry, although not so much lately. There's one poem that I wrote a couple years ago that I love. I know we're not supposed to love our own work. How arrogant!!! But I do love it. I don't even always believe I wrote it, I like it that much. My friend James calls this poem my "Freebird." You know, how every time Lynard Skynard played in concert they would play Freebird and it was like their anthem. Shoot, it was everyone's anthem. I read this poem every time I do a reading. Get your Bic lighters ready......


Current

I jump in. The water covers me. I am being
born. The water is air. I start to swim. I start to cry.
I keep swimming. Some things die but mostly
things grow. Marigolds at the side of the house,
puppies from the hunting dog that lives
in the back yard. When I hurt, my mother says
I have growing pains. I’m not popular
but I’m not the outcast. I’m not smart but I’m not
the idiot. I’m not even swimming really. I’m doing
the dog paddle. I stay afloat. In the sixth grade
I have knobby knees and long hair. I’m embarrassed
most of the time in a general way. I sit outside
at night and watch Venus rise. I go to Dairy Queen
with my mom and dad. I keep swimming.
Things are still dying or growing. I go to movies.
I try a sip of bourbon. I get
my high school pictures back. I shake the water
out of my eyes. People swim
along side me sometimes but mostly
they don’t. The water flows so fast. I choke
on air. I love moving. Sometimes I’m so tired,
I don’t move at all. Some days I go back,
some days I go forward. But I keep swimming.
I write letters. I like the taste of stamps.
I miss my mom and dad but I live far away
and don’t call. I’m in a big place.
I worry about freeway shootings.
I swim away. I live where things are covered
in fog. I can’t tell the difference between the growing
and the dying. I play pool or shop for post cards.
I may still be having growing pains. I may
be drowning. I may just be plain and average.
I move to a small place. I never drink champagne.
I date sad men. I like addicts.
I read books. I practice blowing out
birthday candles. One day
I grow legs. I walk on land. I am still not popular
but I am still not the outcast. Once in a while
I have sex appeal. I watch my parents get old. I talk
to them every day. I become patient. I understand
the importance of photographs. I grow vegetables
in the backyard. I keep walking. Sometimes I close
my eyes when I eat. I chuckle
when I’m by myself. I find people to walk with. I dance
in the living room. I have a child. He is swimming.

Feb. 21

There is a chair in my bedroom that makes me very happy. It's not because it looks good, actually it boasts a fairly hideous
"green flowers and brown leaf" motif. It's certainly not comfy. I suppose I haven't even sat in it for several months. Plus, it's kind of a burlap bag material, a little scratchy and rigid. I find this chair attractive because it holds all the laundry I don't feel like putting away. It gets it out of the laundry room, keeps it off the floor, and it will stay on that chair until the pile gets so tall that it almost topples over. "Check the pile on the chair" can often be heard when my son asks where his socks are. I love that chair.

Feb. 20

These are fresh eggs. They are beautiful. The shells vary; sometimes very light brown, some darker, and some are bluish green. They taste really good. The yolks are very yellow. The hens scratch about, eating Layena and scraps. They love broccoli and pumpkin. They don't make much noise except when they're laying an egg. Isn't it an amazing thing, how those eggs, all full of protein and good stuff (yeah, there's a bit of cholesterol but not bad if you eat them in moderation) pop out of the backside of a chicken?! And they come out all clean and dry. It's kind of a miracle.

dreamtime

Sleep. Just sleep.

Vague Beauty Post

The following is an excerpt taken from a life. It is merely a work of fiction:

There is a man playing the guitar in my garage. Electric. Not loud. Beautiful. The guitar rests against his leg. He is playing along to a CD. There is a light in one corner casting a thin glow, shadows everywhere. I could listen to him for an hour. No, a day. Longer. He is concentrating, his head moving softly with the notes. There is stillness and motion. It is almost like a movie.

If I was a writer I would write a story about it. It would be filled with metaphor and heat. It would be beautiful.

Two

I don't have anything for yesterday. I kind of ran out of beautiful things. Yesterday was just a day. The thing is, I did look for beauty. I look every day now. It's a really good perspective. When I stood out in that parking lot that night (the 28th, I think) and looked at the sky, I realized that I'd forgotten to even look. Concentrating on it every day has been a blessing. It's THERE. Now I look all the time. And I FIND it all the time. So I did look yesterday. And there were good parts of the day. But I never decided to write about any one thing. So, there was no ONE thing that I felt inspired enough to write about.

Well, and then about 8:30 last night the battery in my computer died and I was too lazy to walk into the kitchen and get the cord and plug it in. I was too tired and warm to get out of bed.

Today, my beauty-full moment came when I was in kitchen making dinner. I was fixing home-made tacos; ground beef, refries, cheese, tomatoes, etc and you just take your plate and make your own. I was by myself and I looked out the window over the sink. There in the east was another perfect sky. The color of the inside of a watermelon, right near the rind. Kind of pinky/icy/taupe. The rest of the sky was bluer, kind of wispy and empty. It was a strangely lonely moment. One of those where you know that the world outside yourself is huge, and yet the world inside yourself might even be bigger, and that you'll probably never know either of them as well as you'd like to.

It's been a long time since I've closed my blog with a quote or two (These are quotes I aspire to, and also find lovely and balancing).....


To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
Buddha

When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing
well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with
our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like
the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is
my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you
understand, you can love, and the situation will change.
--Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Zen Master

Bliss, not beauty

73% Belgian Dark Chocolate Non-Pareils. Available at Trader Joe's. From my friend Kelly on my birthday (Thank you!!!). These are the last two. Eat slowly along with a glass of red wine. Savor. Enjoy. Look at that tiny white candy dot. Ummmmm. Enough said.

PSA (public service announcement)

I was thinking about the commercialism of Valentine's Day. I find it very cool. I think It's fine that Hallmark makes a fortune on this day. I think it's great that restaurants have good business. So what. Some people would never buy a card for their loved one (sweetheart, child, niece, etc) if it wasn't for a special day. I wish folks would get off their high horse about holidays and commercialism. BFD. It's never a bad thing to be reminded, in aisle 4 at Target, that you might want to do something special for another human being. Or even that you might want to buy your dog special pink biscuits. I find it just plain beautiful. There. I've had my say. Happy Valentine's Day.

In Honor of VD

So, one thing that I have written about before, and shared many times, is my penchant for quotes. I love quotes. I do think quotes can inspire us and motivate us and heal us. I found all these good (sometimes profound, almost never cheesey) quotes on love and wanted to share them. I’m not crazy about all of them, but I thought other people might like the ones I wasn't fond of (What!? Not everyone thinks like me??). Instead of blasting them at you on Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d get them on here the day before....so if you need a good quote for February 14th, I’ve got you covered.......

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.
-- Eric Fromm

We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

When your heart speaks, take good notes.
-- Judith Campbell

The heart has it's reasons that reason does not know.
-- Blaise Pascal

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get --
only with what you are expecting to give -- which is everything.
-- Katherine Hepburn

"True love" isn't so much a dreamy feeling that you have as it is an enduring commitment to give sacrificially -- even, or perhaps especially, when you don't feel like it.
-- William R. Mattox, Jr.

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
-- Albert Einstein

When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.
-- John Ruskin

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius.
-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
-- James Baldwin

Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.
-- Norman Vincent Peale

In a full heart there is room for everything, and in an empty heart there is room for nothing.
-- Antonio Porchia

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
-- Barbara DeAngelis

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.
-- Oscar Wilde

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.
-- Bertrand Russell

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
-- Mother Teresa

The course of true love never did run smooth.
-- William Shakespeare

There is no remedy for love but to love more.
-- Henry David Thoreau

Whoever loves becomes humble. Those who love have, so to speak, pawned apart of their narcissism.
-- Sigmund Freud

The more you judge, the less you love.
-- Honore de Balzac

The beginning of love is a horror of emptiness.
-- Robert Bly

This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.
-- Rumi

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.
-- Zora Neale Hurston

The truth is that there is only one terminal dignity -- love. And the story of a love is not important -- what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
-- Helen Hayes

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind.
-- Henri-Frederic Amiel

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
-- Marcus Aurelius

The despair among the loveless is that they must narcotize themselves before they can touch any human being at all.
-- James Baldwin

Love seeketh not Itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives it ease,
And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.
-- William Blake

Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Is not absence death to those who love?
-- Alexander Pope

Those who are loved live poorly and in danger. Ah, that they might surmount themselves and become lovers. Around those who love is sheer security. No one casts suspicion on them anymore, and they themselves are not in a position to betray themselves or each other.
-- Ranier Maria Rilke

To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say, and to finish without knowing what you have written.
-- Jean Jacques Rosseau

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
-- Bertrand Russell

I did not know I loved you until I heard myself telling so, for one instance I thought, Good God, what have I said? and then I knew it was true.
-- Bertrand Russell

Doubt thou the stars are fine
Doubt that the sun doth move
Doubt truth be a liar
But never doubt I love
-- William Shakespeare (Hamlet)

You will find, as you look back upon your life, that the moments when you really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.
-- Henry Drummond

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up save in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
-- C.S. Lewis

Say Yes to the seedlings and a giant forest cleaves the sky. Say Yes to the universe and the planets become your neighbors. Say Yes to dreams of love and freedom. It is the password to utopia.
-- Brooks Atkinson

It seems that it is madder never to abandon one's self than to be infatuated; better to be wounded, a captive and a slave, than always walk in armor.
-- Margaret Fuller

We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as their qualities.
-- Jacques Maritain

Is it not by love alone that we succeed in penetrating to the very essence of a being?
-- Igor Stravinsky

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own
-- Robert A. Heinlein

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.
-- Mignon McLaughlin

Swedenborg teaches us that love makes us free, and I can bear witness to its power of lifting us out of the isolation to which we seem condemned. When the idea of an active, all controlling love lays hold of us, we become masters, creators of good, helpers of our kind. It is as if the dark had sent forth a star to draw us to heaven. We discover in ourselves many undeveloped resources of will and thought. Checked, hampered, failing again and again, we rise above the barriers that bound and confine us, our lives put on serenity and order.
-- Hellen Keller

We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.
-- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

When two people understand each other in their innermost hearts, their words are sweet and strong like the fragrance of orchids.
-- I Ching

My love does not, cannot make her happy. My love can only release in her the capacity to be happy.
-- J. Barnes

There are more people who wish to be loved than there are who are willing to love.
-- Sebastian Roch Nicolas Chamfort

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
-- Joan Crawford

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blowsout the candle and blows up the bonfire.
-- Francois, Duc de La Rouchefoucald

If a man is worth loving at all, he is worth loving generously, even recklessly.
-- Marie Dressler

He is not a lover who does not love forever.
-- Euripides

The art of love ... is largely the art of persistence.
-- Albert Ellis

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.
-- Khalil Gibran

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.
-- Martin Luther King

Love...is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
-- Iris Murdoch

I hold it true, whatever befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Children need love, especially when they don't deserve it.
-- Harold Hulbert

Confronted by outstanding merit, there is no way of saving ones ego except by love.
-- J. W. Von Goethe

Live the law of love. We encourage obedience to the laws of life when we live the laws of love. People are extremely tender inside, particularly those who act as if they are tough and self-sufficient. And if we'll listen to them with the third ear, the heart, they'll tell us so. We can gain even more by showing love, particularly unconditional love, as this gives people a sense of intrinsic worth and security unrelated to conforming behavior or comparisons with others. Many borrow their security and strength from external appearances, status symbols, positions, achievements and associations. But borrowing strength inevitably builds weakness. We all distrust superficial human relations techniques and manipulative success formulas that are separated from sincere love.
-- Stephen R. Covey

I have loved to the point of madness; that which is called madness, that which to me, is the only sensible way to love.
-- Francois Sagan

I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings. My wisdom flows from the Highest Source. I salute that Source in you. Let us work together for unity and love.
-- Mahatma Gandhi

Knowledge is gained by learning; trust by doubt; skill by practice; and love by love
-- Thomas Szasz

The reason that ego and love are not compatible comes down to this: you cannot take your ego into the unknown, where love wants to lead. If you follow love, your life will become uncertain, and the ego craves certainty.
-- Deepak Chopra

True love is when your heart and your mind are saying the same thing.
-- Leanna L. Bartram

You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; in just the same way, you learn to love by loving.
-- St. Francis De Sales

Where's YOUR beauty?

You had to guess that somewhere along the line I'd demand some audience participation. I think it would be beautiful if you would tell me the beautiful thing about your day...whichever day you read this. Tell me on the comments page! You can do it anonymously! Come On!!!!!!! THAT is the most wondrous thing in my day, to have the anticipation of finding out the beauty of other people's day.

Wild at Heart

You know what's cool? To see a couple so in love, so enthralled with the other that they cannot take their eyes off each other. I felt the need to write about that tonight, because I've seen it develop. I've seen this beautiful love take hold and blossom. I'm talking about Stan and Stan's Man. They spend most of the day together. They sprawl on the couch, Stan's head resting on his Man. They go outside together, and then, if the Man is missing, Stan searches all over the backyard until he finds his Man and brings him inside to warm by the fire. Of course, as history would have it, very soon, Stan, in his final act of crazy love, will chew all the cotton stuffing out of his Man. He will bite the small plastic noise maker into a million pieces. He will do it with pure and absolute love.

In the end. I'll have to take Stan to a short speed dating session at Petsmart where he will find his next Man. It's a beautiful thing.

Past Beauty

I was doing the dishes at work today. There is a three compartment sink in the back room. Wash, rinse and sanitize. Business was slow and so I took a couple bus tubs to the back and went to work. Mostly hard plastics, some glasses and mugs. A few half and half thermoses and some utensils. I was washing this one ornate glass cake stand, I think we use it for displaying scones or cupcakes, and it reminded me of my mom.

One time when I was quite small, maybe around six, my mom had an emergency. She was upstairs washing dishes and I was downstairs in the garage coloring. I was trying very hard to stay inside the lines. We had a split level house where the downstairs exited out into the garage and the driveway. The floor of the garage was very smooth and very cold. It must have been spring because I didn't have a coat or sweater on. Suddenly I heard my mom scream. A horrible, chilling, sharp wail. I looked up and saw her shoot out the door and into the garage. She was holding onto one arm with a towel. The towel was already dripping with blood. The blood flew off the fringe of the towel and onto the garage floor. She ran right by me, still sitting there coloring, and ran out into the bright sun.

We had wonderful neighbors on Meadow Lane. The Qualls next door, the Hienrichs on the other side. The Hammonds around the corner, and the Dockers across the street from them. Supons down the street and the Huffmans across from us. Mrs Huffman heard my mom scream and came running outside. Her car was unlocked and the keys were in the ignition already (it was Kansas in the 60's and that's where everyone kept their car keys). She opened the door of the car and my mother seemed to just float right into that car. They drove away with my mom looking back at me, Mrs Huffman yelling, go over to the Hammond's. I guess I did. I do remember being over at Lori Hammond's house unsure and feeling weird. I was young enough that I can remember wondering if my mom was going to come back. Truly not knowing.

It turned out she had been washing a big glass bowl. The one she always made cakes in. I can remember now how my finger would glide along the top rim of that bowl after the cake batter had been poured into cake pans, skimming off scant remains of batter to eat. She had dropped it and it split right in two, one half slicing her hand almost clean off.

I thought about that story today when I was washing dishes, wondering where the beauty of my day would come from. I thought about that story and about the wonderfulness of seeing my mom drive up, hours later with my dad, wrist all bandaged up. The beauty of her just coming home.

Oh, just blame it on the birthday weekend

Feb/8 - Jerry saying, yeah, for anyone who's had cancer and is still breathing, it's all beautiful.

Feb/9 - My son giving me a handmade coupon book that consist's only of all the chores HE'S SUPPOSED TO DO ANYWAY, but that ends with the words, I hope your birthday is the best day ever, because you are the best mom ever.

Two Days

Okay, it;s February 7th. I missed the sixth. And the beauty of February 6th is that I can miss a day and it's okay. The beauty lies in writing about the excellence of the day the NEXT day. I didn't get it the last time I did a 30 day blog commitment I thought I had to be PERFECT. But it's really okay to miss a day. So, today I write about them both.

Yesterday, the 6th, was busy. It's my birthday weekend, which starts off my birthday week. The whole day was packed full. Work, then a play date, that included a raucous game of kickball, boys against moms. Then the grocery store and home for an evening party. I was busy! The beauteous part was the whole flipping day; I have a job I like, friends to play kickball with, a good man who helped with the party, and then all of the good mans relatives who came over for drinks and chili and KARAOKE! So, it was one big fat beautiful day and I was too involved in it to write about it.

Then today was a continuation of the birthday weekend. It started out a bit more precarious....went to the health food store for a chocolate tasting, which was a complete failure, what with a freaking bazillion people milling about, and I ran into a small child (who hopped back up off the floor and was FINE), and then I dropped my phone and the battery shot off and as I picked it up, B backed into a stack of glass soda bottles which teetered and came very close to crashing to the floor. We high tailed it out of there and headed out to Cost Plus. Tonight, I had dinner with four girlfriends and just got home. So, today's greatness was either dancing to Tina Turner in my friend Cody's kitchen, or, running outside at 10:30 pm and drawing chalk outlines of ourselves on the neighbor's driveway. Hmmm, toss up for the most perfect moment.

Yeah, beauty, in the eye of the beholder.

Animal

Barney. Mr. Barnes. The fine cat, that sleeps all day and will knock everything off the nightstand in the middle of the night. You can smush your face into Barney's fur and listen while he purrs. Barney always thinks there is a mouse underneath the comforter when it is just a hand wiggling a finger. Barney loves to lie on warm laundry and clean his tail. Barney is the same color as Stan, but in different increments. Barney eats coffee beans (2 each morning) and tortilla chips (crunchcrunchcrunch).

Speedballing my liquids

Well, I worked ten hours today. Yes, ten. I'm going to dream about steaming milk and pulling espresso. I kept myself alert at all times by drinking plenty of double tall soy lattes. They are my favorite coffee drink now. But, before I head to dream land, I'm going to indulge in my loveliness of the day...this wonderful red wine called Cabin Fever. It's amazing. Nicely rich with subtle tannins, a hint of vanilla and a tiny bit of chocolate. Slight fruit and an exquisite nose. And it's $4.99 a bottle. Wow. Beauty.

Is she hungry?

This, my friends, is creamed hamburger on whole wheat toast. I am not going to call it by any other name as some people might. Because to me, it is one of the most wonderful beautiful comfort foods known to carnivores. Along with tuna noodle casserole, and chili. And chocolate cake with brown sugar frosting. And curried, balsamic lentils with carrots. Or a baked potato loaded with cheese and bacon. I'm going to go eat my dinner now.

It's not always a bad thing

The exquisiteness of avoidance. Ahhhhh. Woke up this morning and the Superbowl seemed so far away. Didn't read the paper. Didn't glance at the Yahoo news headlines. Didn't talk to Jay about football. Did not allow ESPN on the television. Perfect. The feeling of bile in the pit of my stomach had dissipated by this morning and I avoided anything that may have brought it back. By this evening the Superbowl really was far away. I looked at Yahoo news at 4:30 pm and the headline was about some stimulus package. The paper, unread, was in the recycle bin. When Jay mentioned the Superbowl, I asked him about his Science project. I'm all better now because of a simple, beautiful mental tool I call avoidance. And now, 24 hours later, I can truly say, It's only a football game.

Loser

So, my beautiful moment was going to be when the Arizona Cardinals won the Superbowl. And then, they didn't. And it was so close. And it was so possible. And Jay and I were hollering in the living room. And then, with less than a minute left, Pittsburgh made a touchdown. For a minute, no 10 seconds, I wanted to weep. Truly. I wanted to collapse on the floor and sob. I wanted them to win. I wanted my team to win. And then, when they lost, I wanted to immerse myself in the despair of it. But there's this weird voice in my head that always brings me back to balance. Usually, I appreciate it. It's the voice that reminds me that there are more important things in the world than football games. It makes me think that it must be great for all the Steelers fans. WTF!? I am confronted by that serotonin voice telling me there's always next year, and that at least no one got hurt. But, despite the balance. I still wanted my team to win. And even with that voice in my ear, I can't see the game in the same beautiful way I would have had they won.

So, beautiful thing, I'm still thinking. It wasn't the game. The game was a great football game. Either team could have won it. But it wasn't beautiful. It sucked. I'm searching here. What other beautiful things filled my day? It could have that damn speckled chicken taking a dust bath. That made me laugh. No. It could be the cat purring next to me; the one that I woke up to trying to hook a soft claw on my nose. No. In fact, this reminds me of when I was a kid and something would make me mad, and then I'd hold onto it all day. That's what I'm doing. I'm holding onto the loss. I would have felt completely different if my team had won. It would have all been beautiful...the game, the chicken, the cat. As it is, I'm going to let that one thing negate all the other beauty in my day. Damn. Do you know what I mean? That feeling when you just know you're being unreasonable but you can't stop yourself? And then you hate that you feel that way, and you can see how ridiculous it is, and that makes it still worse? At least it's night and I can go to bed.

I guess the beauty is that I will only hold onto it for today. See, I did find it. It's just twisted.