Kansas - I

After a while I start to forget the dead. My life becomes a routine. Eating. Drinking. Caring. Working. I don't even know what order to put them in.

Then, I read a great book. Or have a good conversation. I look at my child when he stands alone, staring into space in the front yard and I see him becoming a new person. A tomato or a squash becomes ripe. But still, I forget the dead. Then, I come back to Kansas. I see them everywhere. They make me smile. I see my mom at Pegues, shopping for a pair of gloves, or my dad, laughing with his buddy Nick about something funny from 30 years past. I see my grandma mashing potatoes or picking peas.

Today we did this; we went to see Nick. Nick is 90. He was one of my dad's best friends. He lives on a farm in the country. He has 20 cattle, a house he's lived in for 30 years, and a kind and humorous heart. He recognized my voice on the phone. He hugs me at the door. He tells us stories about driving out to see the new calves a week ago and getting his truck stuck. Then the tractor. Then his other truck. Then his other tractor. Then Woolsey came out and got his truck stuck. Finally, Woolsey's son came out with a friend, a winch, and a lift and got them all out. He treats my friends like they're good people. He treats my son like he's his own blood. He says, Some people want me to move into an easier place. This is where I want to die. Here. Have 'em dig a hole out there and put me in it. I got 140 acres. I hope he waits a while, but when he goes, I hope he goes sitting in the chair he sat in today when he was telling us the stories. When we leave, he gives hugs, shakes the boy's hands. He tells Jay to take care of his mother. He gives me directions to my parents graves because I can't remember.

Then, we went to see my Aunt Patty. She's my dad's sis. My cousin Jodi is there crocheting. I've been in Aunt Patty's kitchen a million times. My first cat, when I was nine, was a runt from her cat's litter. My grandma lived next door to her. She is our blood. She has made blankets for my sister and niece for us to take. We go out back and catch toads in the yard, like I did as a child. Jay is afraid of the toads at first, hesitates, then catches one. Soon, the boys are running through the yard carrying toads back to the garden. Last night it was fireflies in Newton. When we leave Aunt Patty gives us all a kiss and a hug. She is stuffed full of love and spills it out on everybody.

In between those two things, we eat Kansas BBQ. My dad loved BBQ. The dead are back. They sit with us while we eat.

Then, we drive past the penitentiary, past Main Street, and down Ave G until we get to the cemetery. My parents have a new headstone. It's beautiful. They would like it. We put flowers on the grave. Jay runs to the car to get his camera. We talk about them. How much we miss them. How much they've taken care of us. We walk to the car with our friends. We go get ice cream at Bogies. The sounds of lawn mowers and locusts are everywhere.