My mom died Saturday, yesterday, morning at 8:13. I just finished writing her obituary. Both Thursday and Friday were really hard. She was struggling. I so wanted her to go the same way my father had - easily, in her sleep and peaceful. So Thursday and Friday were not what I expected. It was scary for me. Her face was so sunken and her body had become so small. Her breathing was labored and her movements were erratic. I did not take Jay up there. But I held her hand and was with her those days. I kept asking them to give her more meds. Frantic about it. By Friday night, she had stabilized and was breathing better. But I kept seeing her struggling. At first I was so saddened by it. Man, it was hard to think about. It was so hard to see. Then yesterday, after I sat with her, after hospice came and the man from the mortuary, after I walked the stretcher down to the van, after I said my very last goodbye to the body and was driving home alone, I realized that she had had her warrior face on. How silly of me to think she was going to go easy! She was fighting to stay in this world. My dad was so ready to go. He had told me so for a year before his death. So he closed his eyes in the hospital and left. But my mom, she wanted to stay. I realized how okay it all was. That she didn't want to go. I was proud of her, even in dying. I thought she was saying (this woman who I can only remember cussing ONE time when I was a child) "fuck you death" on her way out.
I thought that that's how I'll be. Fighting to stay here. And I have so many memories of that wonderful mama smiling and looking so happy and content that I don't mind the memory of her warrior face. I want to hold that one close too. She was a warrior and I want to honor that in her. I was so frightened and afraid for her, and she was most likely afraid too...of the unknown and the moving on. But she fought a good fight. I'm going to miss her so.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
--Dylan Thomas
I thought that that's how I'll be. Fighting to stay here. And I have so many memories of that wonderful mama smiling and looking so happy and content that I don't mind the memory of her warrior face. I want to hold that one close too. She was a warrior and I want to honor that in her. I was so frightened and afraid for her, and she was most likely afraid too...of the unknown and the moving on. But she fought a good fight. I'm going to miss her so. 
3 comments:
Oh, Jill. I've been checking back and forth for the last few weeks on your love story with your Mom. I didn't check this weekend and now I read this. You are so unbelievably strong and courageous, just like your precious Mama. It's so hard because even though it's expected, it's such a loss and such a blow to your family. We were both so fortunate to have those last days with our parents. I wish you peace and I know your Mom is terribly proud of you. You honor her and her memory every day, you know. Take care and thank you for sharing your journey. Love to you!
My Dad went out fighting for every last breath. You are an amazing woman. If there is anything I can do for you and Jay please call. Peace.
I can't tell you how much I have been thinking about you and your mother. I have been away from the computer for some time, and just kept thinking, I wonder how jill is doing? I wonder i her mom is hanging on. It struck me strange that I thought about you as much as I did, because I don't know you, and if I walked past you on the street I would have no idea, but somehow you and your mother have touched me, and I am so grateful that you decided to do something as cool as a year of opus, and that is was prompted by your mother. I truly hope that you comforted at this difficult time. I can't imagine how hard it is to lose your mother. I am thinking of you.
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