Surprise....

I'm back. Only for a minute though. I've been wanting to finish up this blog and I truly just have not gotten around to it. I have loved my four years of "One Year of Opus." LOVED THEM. This blog introduced me to some great people. It gave me a forum. It let me tell the world, and myself, about my mom dying. It captured so many moments of my son growing up, my own changes, and things happening in the world. Now, I need to move on. It's time. I like change. I think I would like to start another blog. If you are reading this and would like to know what my new blog is called, send me an e-mail at jilliebug@aol.com.

Catch up....
Since my last post, I have started an Art Gallery (galleryone13.com), written a few poems, gone to Kansas a couple times and Jackson Hole, WY. My son is in the 8th grade, I'm teaching school, and Barry is throwing more pots. I teach poetry at the jail. I have, a hundred times, experienced things that made me think; I need to blog about this! But I didn't. I feel a little sad to bring this blog to a close. But it really was all about having a year to be creative, and to appreciate, and then having that year turn into a year of being present with my mom while she spent months dying. I am still so thankful for that year.

I also felt, at times, that I couldn't be free in my writing because I knew that there were people I didn't really want knowing my every move, reading my blog. I felt inhibited at times. Unsure. And that's not how I wanted to write. Like I said, it's time to move on.

On November 1st of this year, 2011, I started a FB post of gratitude. I'm including it here.....


Gratitude month. Day two. Car heater.
(Day one I posted on Maggie Carrillo's page...Opposable thumbs)

Gratitude month. Day three. Of course, my mom and dad. Even though they're gone, they have an impact on everything I do, everything I say, and the way I live my life. The two best people I've ever known.

‎"You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna live like we are telling the best story in the whole world."
—Penelope from the movie, The Brothers Bloom

Gratitude month. Day 4. My boy. A thirteen-year old that still likes me. Honest, funny, kind and occasionally sassy and annoying :)

Gratitude month. Day 5. Books. Real books that smell like paper and rustle when I turn the page. Ones that I can dog-ear and stack by my bed.

Gratitude month. Day 6. Bathtubs.

Gratitude month. Day 7. These carrots. They were nestled underground, beneath the snow, waiting for me dig them up today, tops still green, brilliant orange. They taste so good. I am amazed that from a tiny seed they became carrots.


Gratitude month. Day 8. Memories. I am lucky to have good memories. Oh, there's some yuck in there too, but I pretty much just stuffed those in a big fat balloon and let them go (metaphorically of course) (oh, and after I learned what I needed to learn) (oh, and often it took me a few go rounds). But yes, lots of good memories here.

gratitude month, day 9, poems.

Day 10. My blood family. John, Jayann, Suzy, Neal, Ann, Jerry, Jim, Jennifer, your kids and mine. We make each other crazy, but we love each other more. I'm very thankful to have been born into this bunch.

Gratitude month. Day 11. Sight. There is so much to see.

Day 12. Getting older, which I write in the context of knowing the alternative.

Gratitude month. Day 13. Ghirardelli Sea Salt Soiree chocolate bars and red wine :) Almost as much to fun to say as to indulge in. Almost.


Gratitude month. Day 14. Barry.

Day 15, coffee. Cup after cup after cup.

Gratitude month. Day 16. Okay. I have to admit this. Facebook. Here's why...I see so many names of "friends" pop up on comments or likes, and you know, I might not have seen some of these people for decades, but I like ALL of them. And suddenly, because of facebook, I kind of know them again, even in just a "hey, you're still out there" kind of way. It's warm and comforting. Thank you. Oh, and I'm also thankful when people on FB use your/you're correctly :)

Gratitude month. Day 17. Breathing. I love breathing.

Gratitude month. Day 18. Roly polies and lady bugs. I love these bugs. Something about them makes me happy.

Day 19. Flagstaff. What a place to live. Very thankful. Now, just so you know, that was not my first choice today. I realized I'd named most of the big stuff; friends, family, etc, and I'm now moving on to the other, everyday blessings. So my first thought was, man, am I thankful for regular bm's. But that, of course, might offend people. But, seriously? Thankful. So anyway, I spared you from that by choosing something else for my Gratitude day 19.

Day 20. Gratitude month. I can't believe I actually was thankful for regular bm's before I mentioned health. Holy cow! Health is one of my top one gratitudes. I am so blessed to just be able to walk and talk and eat and move about....and that's all health related. Good health is the greatest blessing.

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.”—H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Day 21. Quotes. A good quote can change perspective and/or attitude. Give hope. Encourage empathy. Promote understanding.

Gratitude month. Day 22. The "rant and rave" section on Craig's List. Some funny stuff in there.

Gratitude month. Day 23. Brake repair shops that are kind and honest and quick and do a good job AND 380.00 cheaper than the first place that said I needed to get new rotors BUT I DIDN'T REALLY NEED THEM.

Gratitude month. Day 24. Thankful all around. For everything I mentioned on the last 23 days, and then for the safe, easy uneventful drive to San Luis Obispo today. Yay vacation!

day 25, in san luis obispo, thankful for starfish and sea anemones, 70 degree weather in november, and monarch butterflies migrating.

Gratitude month. Day 26. Thankful that I have a job. Actually a couple of them. Not getting rich but paying the mortgage.

Gratitude month. Day 27. Ahhhh. Vacations are good. Thankful today for the safe trip back to my Flagstaff. Also, olallieberry cobbler. Big yum.

Day 28. The cat, Margaret, who is sleeping on the suitcase. The dog, the super Stan man, who is a little nervous and barks at skunks. The guinea pig, Buddy, who has a silly face and makes wonderful noises when he's happy. The turtle, Herman, who does nothing but dig deep in his world and sleep for days at a time. The chickens, the ladies, giving us eggs and clucking.

“I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.”—Arthur Rubinstein

Gratitude month. Day 29. Gravity. Think about it.

Gratitude month. Day 30. All of it. The failures and the successes, the hope and the despair, the sadness and the unimaginable joy, the loss and the healing. I am grateful for the whole beautiful mess. All of it.

Grateful. Every day. Every breath.

Here too is my Christmas letter too (hahaha, getting it all in!)

Merry Christmas

IT’S THAT WONDERFUL TIME OF YEAR WHEN I GET TO
CHECK IN WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY, CELEBRATE THE
SEASON, AND SHARE A BIT ABOUT OUR LIFE.....AND MAYBE
HEAR BACK A LITTLE ABOUT YOURS.....

Here's the News from 2011....

* I opened a small art gallery, Gallery 113, in downtown Flagstaff. I
love going to work! I’m still teaching at the community college too.
Check out the gallery at....galleryone13.com
* Jay is a awesome. I’m a lucky mom. He is playing basketball, drums
and video games, getting good grades, being kind, honest and
loving, and is looking forward to the snow.
* Barry is teaching ceramics at the community college and working
in Extended Campus Advising at NAU. He finished our back patio
this year, along with about 10 other projects and he is NOT looking
forward to the snow :)
* Jay and I traveled to Kansas for a week, and Jackson, Wyoming for
a long weekend. We have so much fun going places. The train to
Kansas was great fun, as always, but he’s starting to consistently
beat me at dominoes so I need to sharpen up my game.
* We are going on a cruise January 1st. I’ve never been on one but I
hear they’re relaxing. I’ll be ready for it by the New Year.
* My entire family, all 30 of us, met in St George, Utah for a few
days and had a blast. One house, 12 bedrooms, talent shows, kids
everywhere, practical jokes, good conversation. Sweet!
* I still think about, and miss, my folks everyday. I think they would
be happy, and proud of all of us. I guess that’s a good measure on
how one lives their life.
* And finally, here’s a quote I’d like to share with you.......
“Life is short, live bold! Be heard, be you, dream big, take
risks, don’t wait!—Unknown

There, that's it.
So, if anyone reads this, know that I loved writing it. All four years. I am still a writer. I am still here.

P.S. I just got so excited that I can start a new fucking blog!!!

Starbucks Customer

I Love Spring

Two sites that have made me laugh out loud in the last week.......

Princess Beatrice and her hat

and

Chuck Norris facts

I'm not really sure what this sudden adoration for sophomoric humor can be attributed to, but it's sure giving me the giggles.

Okay, and I'm also ready for the movie, "The Hangover, Pt 2" to be released.

Enough said.

Deep Thoughts

There are so many new diseases. And everyone has one. Bi-polar, chronic fatigue syndrome, various eating disorders. I'm sure all these things are very real, especially to the people going through them, and I mean no disrespect. I just think if we called them by descriptive names, they would make more sense. Such as, "sensitivity to people irratating me," "normal reaction to sadness and tragedy," and "I'm angry but don't want to/am afraid to show it so I'll just be tired instead."

I have a couple tics I'd like to break. One is the "twirling my hair" tic, and the other is the "bite the inside of my mouth" tic. I've been doing the TMH tic for years and I tried to stop several years ago. Then, in some magazine, probably "People," I read that Jennifer Aniston twirls her hair and I thought, hey, if she does it, it must not be that bad of a habit. A few days ago, while twirling my hair, I realized I don't have her money or her body and if I did, I could allow myself the TMH tic, but since I do have things about myself that could stand a little improvement, I need to lessen that one. The BTIOMM tic is a newer one and I think I'm getting a handle on that one. It's just a matter of being aware and saying, (quietly in my head) stop it.

Last night I was watching an infomercial for "Brazilian Butt Lift" (really).....a set of 3 exercise DVDs. It looked very interesting but I figured it was a scam. I googled it, then ebayed it. After that extensive research, I saw that it was a very legitimate exercise tape. But it was selling for big bucks on ebay. I bid on it, thinking, I just want to see what this sells for, and knowing that as the price rose, the acceleration would pop up on my email and I could see how much it actually sold for. Except that I did this late at night and there was only an hour left for bidding. So, now I own it, or at least it's on the way to my house. I did not mean to buy it. How great it would be if I really used it, exercised, got fit. Instead it will be like that old exercise bike that sits in the corner, never used, only I won't be able to hang clothes on the DVD. At least it gives me a reason to say, Brazilian Butt Lift.

It would be a plus if I only hit the snooze button once in the morning instead of seven times.

I wonder if my insurance covers "I could use a few changes and a heavy dose of motivation but I'd rather bitch and moan?"

Glitter Hole

Well, first I called this post "Family" and then was struck by how boring that was...then struck by how much angst I have at BEING boring, or at least writing boring things...like post titles that say "Family".....so then I made the conscious decision to try to not be boring. What happened? I came up with a good post title.

My family has reunions every 3 or 4 years. We like to stay in big houses where we can all fit because we like to eat breakfast together in our pajamas and play cards late into the night. It's difficult to do those things in a hotel when there's, at last count, about 35 of us. Now, this is just my brother, sister and myself, and our immediate families. Each of my siblings have 3 kids (actually adults now) with a few kids of their own. Except me, and I have just one young one. My brother and sister are about 20 years older than I am so their kids are my age. Anyhoo, this year we rented a place in St George, Utah. It had 10 bedrooms, two pools, a kitchen with two of everything including stoves, and a huge yard. There were 16 adults and 13 kids.

It started last Saturday. Twelve of my relatives drove into Flagstaff from Kansas and spent the night. I had planned on BBQing in the back yard so we could all be outside, as my house is not that big and there would be 15 of us eating and talking and lots of kids roaming about. The week had been beautiful weather-wise and tulips were coming up. But it's Flagstaff so instead we got a foot of snow on Saturday. Hahaha. Sunday morning we got up and planned to hit the road early to get to Vegas where we were going to spend Sunday night, along with the rest of the family who were going to meet us there. We had two, three bedroom suites at this timeshare place and we all wanted to get to Vegas early so we could explore, as a few of my family had never been there before. We had wanna-be gamblers, kids who wanted to see the dancing waters, and B and I thought we would get over to a bar called Money Plays to see my blog friend, Tyge. Out the door at 9:00 a.m. we got gas and headed onto highway 40. Three exits down we came to a very sudden and absolute stop. "Shit! Must be a wreck. We should be moving soon." I said. We did. We moved up about a half mile and were herded off the highway and back to Flagstaff. As we pulled off the highway and onto Flagstaff Ranch Road, my niece, Jennifer leaned out the passenger window and tried to talk to the cop directing us down the road and back on the highway. "Hey, we need to get to Vegas. How can we do that?" she hollered at him. Didn't even look at us. "Can't" was all he said.

After Internet and phone help, we found out it would be 11:30 before the road would open. So, we decided to go downtown and explore a bit of Flagstaff. Then, we were told it was going to be 1:30, then 3:30 before we could leave Flagstaff. Ugh!!!!! There WAS no detour. No where to go....well, except maybe drive to PRESCOTT and then up to ASHFORK. Hours out of the way. So, that's what we did. While we should have been in Vegas by 1:00, we ended up pulling in around 6:30. By the time we got to the room, unloaded bags, headed to dinner, and took all the kids to the dancing waters, it was midnight. Did I have time to play Roulette? Barely. Did I lose money at Roulette? Yes. Did I have time to win it back? No. Did we get to Money Plays? No.

So Vegas was merely a blink of the eye. A little over 12 hours and we were out of our rooms and heading to The Valley of Fire. We did stop first at The Palace Station for the breakfast buffet, which my brother had said was 4.99 (which was all I had left after playing 15 minutes of roulette), because he went in the day before and got the promise of a discount from the Asian lady at the counter....who wasn't there the next morning to okay it so we ended up paying the regular 7.99 price. Picture this; my sister at the register trying to explain that my brother, who was 25 people (who were NOT relatives) back, had SAID we get the 4.99 discount and the NEW Asian lady saying, "No. So sorry. Only with Palace Station card." And my sister yelling over the 25 people to my brother, who started yelling back about HIS story from the day before. At that point I just wanted to pay whatever it was gonna cost to get out of that line.

The Valley of Fire was about an hour outside of Vegas on the way to St George and kind of cool. Big rocks colored various reds and pinks and oranges. When you have nine cars caravaning it can get a little tense when someone needs to make a bathroom stop or wants to read a road marker but four of us had walkie-talkies and that worked okay. We made it to the trail head and hiked a bit. At that one stop there were people (my family) crying, laughing, exhausted, raring to go, excited, angry, loving, impatient, positive, negative and nervous. I decided right there that a family that big in one place is like a whole city, what with all the varied emotional content. After all the driving I had done the day before, I was just ready to get to St George.

The house was great. Two of the bedrooms were bunk rooms so the girls had one and the boys had the other. The other eight were split among the adults. The jacuzzi didn't work the first night so we had to call the pool guy. We had a talent show, a secret family society initiation, and several group cooking experiences. We watched DVDs of Ann and Jay Divine, our parents and grandparents, the two people we all had in common, and remembered them and talked about them and told stories. On the third day, my nephew Neal went to the BLM and found information on a great place called "The Glitter Hole." It was a several mile drive outside of St George on windy dirt roads until we came upon a couple mounds of what looked like broken glass at first. But then, when we got out of the cars and walked over to it, there was a huge pit on the other side filled with Selenite. There were a million pieces of it and the walls of the pit (a good 50 feet deep) were lined with it. It was awe inspiring. (Okay, so isn't Las Vegas a Glitter Hole too? Get it? The blingy, wild, sparkling city lights of Vegas and the hole filled with sparkling smooth glass-like gems. Oasis in the desert! Both of them.)

On Thursday morning, we all packed up and went our separate ways...California, Wyoming, Florida, Kansas and Arizona. One thing I particularly liked was that we all stayed until everything was done. No one left before everyone could leave. We all drove out the driveway together.

Is Spring Break Over Yet?

I always tell my students, Please, please come back after spring break. It might be tempting, because of the glorious weather and the glimpse of freedom, to never come back. But do. Come back after spring break. And then, I did what I tell my students not to...I didn't come back after spring break. Not to class, I mean here. I didn't come back here after spring break. I got busy, I had fun doing other things, and I stopped writing. Now I'm back. But I had a great spring break :)

A lizard played an April Fools on our cat. Magpie has proven herself to be quite the criminal. She's brought several dead birds into the house through the dog door. A few more have been left by the door on the back porch. April 1st I heard her outside meowing to come in. I opened the door and she slipped through my legs into the house and I saw a poor little lizard, dead as a doornail on the patio. I love those little guys, so on the off chance it was still alive, I poked at it a few times to see if I could rouse it. Nope, dead as could be. I left it out there and scolded Miss Kitty. About an hour later I happened to glance out the window and I saw that lizard limping over to the side of the house. Holy Schmoly! The damn thing WAS alive. I kept the cat inside for another hour and by then the lizard was up and running. All fingers and toes unfurled and functioning. After making sure the lizard was gone, I let the cat out. That cat went right over to where she left that lizard. Gone! She looked all over the patio. It was pretty funny, seeing the cat looking perplexed. I imagined that lizard....yeah, you thought I was dead? You were going to come out and bat me around some more? April Fools cat!

Jay and I caught a Phoenix Suns game over spring break. We also saw K-State play an NCAA game in Tucson. We saw The Body exhibit at the Museum of Science. I cleaned my house and I put a bunch of stuff on ebay. I read a book during the middle of the day. See, I've never JUST taught school (aside from my oneyearofopus) and so usually I worked all through spring break. Spring break meant nothing except that I had to figure out where Jay was going to go while I worked my OTHER job. This year I got the week off and it was wonderful. Kind of makes me want to be a teacher :)

Ever heard of Bountiful Baskets? Google it. (I'd put up links but I am not skilled enough to do that while still being lazy) Fifteen bucks a week and I get tomatoes, apples, mangoes, carrots, asparagus, lettuce, onions, pineapple, etc. It's CRAZY. Two bushel baskets of food. So, I end up with food I don't usually buy and I have to figure out what to do with it. I made an apple pie. From scratch, baby. I slice mangoes up and eat them for breakfast. I made sweet potaoe mashed potatoes last night. Cheap AND tasty. Check out Bountiful Baskets.

Oh, and B fired a plethora of pots (actually vases, mugs, a VERY cool watering can, and some other beauties) at the NAU soda kiln this last week. It's such an amazing, yet time and energy consuming process, and still so worth it at the end. There are so many talented artists throwing clay here in Flagstaff, and then a few of them get together and load the kilns, fire for 5 days, and when they open the kiln, you just have no idea what happened in there. Did things explode? Did their glaze and the soda combine to create wild blues and reds and greens? Did the best favorite piece of all time crack apart like an egg?
The anticipation is big and yet one should never expect anything. Hope without attachment.

I am so ready for summer. This year the raised bed gardens are ready to plant, the patio is begging to be sat on with a beer, and the chickens are laying again. A month and a half of school left to teach......ahhhh.

As for spring break....I truly had several students in each class disappear. And they were so close.

I Love Comments

I caught one!!! I put out my bait and hook, and reeled one in!!!! My beautiful friend, girlstayput, commneted on something she loves. Thank you!!! Now, all you other ya-hoos, tell me what you love. Damnit. Thank you, girlstayput, for giving me faith in humankind again. Now I have to go watch Charlie Sheen's "Winning Recipes" on Funny or Die. Google it!

Here's girlstayput commenting......

"I love this blog, and the moment of reflection it requires. It's not the same as FB asking what's on your mind, cause the easy answer is "cheese". Your blog is more mindful, reminding me to be creative, be grateful, have some fun, dammit."

Accepting more comments now!!!!!

Just wondering.....

I LOVE knowing what other people think.....so write a comment about something you love and I'll post them all Thursday. Yay!!! And this is not a cop-out. I really love other thoughts and perspectives. I want to know what you love.

If you're in Flagstaff, I'm reading poetry at Uptown Billiards Wednesday night, 6:00 pm......

Surprise

I love spontaneous dance-offs. The problem is, it's rare to see one here in Flagstaff. Occasionally I initiate one myself, but the last time I got sprayed with mace (party pooper), There are so many fun dances available and with Wii and Xbox 360 there are so many new ones still to learn. Combine "the swim" with Hammer's "You can't touch this" and you are a WINNER (no Charlie Sheen reference intended). The only downside....no prizes.

Slammer

I LOVE teaching poetry. It's one of the reasons I don't work a nine-five kind of job. The other reason I don't work a nine-five kind of job is that I would hang myself in a closet if I worked a nine-five kind of job. Hahaha. Not really. BUT, I do appreciate the flexibility I now have to teach poetry in the afternoon at the community college or, as I mentioned last night, at the jail. I work for the Exodus Program on a volunteer basis teaching poetry. There are 24 inmates in the program and more on the waiting list. To get into the program, inmates must apply and have drive and motivation to better themselves. It's mostly drug offenses, domestic violence, theft, etc.

The first day I went in I was nervous. I had no idea what it would be like or if I would be any good. I always go in with one of the Exodus workers, and we walk down quite a few steel-gated hallways to get to where the inmates are. It's a pod where all 24 sit at three tables and do their work. Off the main area there are 12 cells and it's two men to a cell. These are guys who want to improve. They are visited by groups that teach them life skills, financial skills and 12-step programs. And poetry. One of the essentials :)

We do mostly fill in the blank type poems. They are all so ready to write poems. They write about faith and their families, and about how they want to break bad habits and addictions. They are all so respectful and every one of them participates. After we take half an hour to write, I ask who wants to read theirs aloud first. No one. Then a hand goes up when it looks like I'm going to move on to the next thing, and then pretty soon they are all wanting to go next. When the two hours is over and I'm heading out the cold metal door, they are shouting out "thank you" and "see you next time."

I look out at these guys and see 24 people who have good intentions. They really want to make their lives work. They are sober and thoughtful and aware. I think it must be so much easier in there, in those cells, to have hope. There are no drugs sitting on the kitchen table or friends bringing over whiskey. There are no beer fueled fights or jobs to struggle with to keep. Their days are mapped out for them in a good way. I know that even though right now they want SO BADLY for life to work, most of them will have problems when they get out. Some will end up back inside, some will just end up drunk outside the corner liquor store. One of them wrote about that, about being the drunk at the corner liquor store, and how he doesn't ever want to be that again.

So I try to get them to write about the things that will get bottled up when they get out; the anger and fear and want that they are bound to have. I figure if I can get them to see it, recognize it and feel it, they might not allow it to eat at them until the only way to escape it is to numb it or give in to it. It's a harsh world on the outside, especially when you've lost your job and you have to find different kinds of friends to hang with. I'm going to arm them with poetry. Here's a fill-in poem for you to do. Send it back to me and I'll post them, anonymous if you want.....jilliebug@aol.com



“Me" Poem

Line 1: First Name


Line 2: Four descriptive traits

Line 3: Sibling of...


Line 4: Who loves..... 


Line 5: Who fears... 


Line 6: Who needs... 


Line 7: Who gives... 


Line 8: Who would like to see... 


Line 9: Resident of... 


Line 10: Last Name

Sample:

Alysa
Short, feisty, artsy, crafty
Sibling of Phyllis and Sam
Loves cats and flowers
Fears fatal errors
Needs a healthy network
Gives help where needed
Would like to see peaceful blooms and fur flying
Resident of NJ
Cummings



Fear and Wanting Poem

I am afraid of _______________________________

I am afraid of ________________________________

I am afraid that ________________________________

I am afraid that _______________________________

I am even afraid _________________________________

I am afraid of __________________________________

I am afraid ____________________________________

I am afraid that ____________________________________

I am afraid that ___________________________________

I am even afraid ___________________________________

I want ______________________________________

I want ________________________________________

I want ______________________________________

I want ________________________________________

I even want ______________________________________

I want ______________________________________

I want _________________________________________

I want ________________________________________

I want _________________________________________

And I want ___________________________________

Most of all.



Sample;

I am afraid of spiders

I am afraid of lightning strikes

I am afraid that the milk has gone bad

I am afraid that the well will run dry

I am even afraid I might show up ten minutes late

I am afraid of final exams

I am afraid of making speeches

I am afraid that my math may be wrong

I am afraid that I'll say a bad word

I am even afraid of the dark

I want friends who smile back

I want fresh fruits and vegetables

I want fewer reruns on summer TV

I want 50% off sales

I even want to read books with happy endings

I want to laugh

I want to sing

I want to dance

I want to get the joke

And I want to be here

Most of all

I love knowing my limits

I love working with inmates. Really. I teach poetry for the Exodus program at the jail. I love it. I am going to tell you all about it when I write in the morning because I'm a little tired right now. So, I'm going to sleep.

Cause and effect

I really really like solving problems. Here's the problem - my blogs are short, uninsightful and boring. The cause - I'm writing them late at night. Solution - Write them in the morning. Done and done.

Chuck

Love does not really = fascinate. But I am surely fascinated by this whole Charlie Sheen debacle. Okay, as perverse as this might be, I even slightly love it. I watched a 26 minute clip of Charlie railing at his boss, his dad and his naysayers. "Bi-winner" and "bitchin rock star from Mars" and "brain from a different terrestrial realm." ???????? Really? We all secretly want to be him.

Based on a Novella

I adore writing long, involved, fascinating blog posts. This is not going to be one. And I have not written one for a week or so. I even took the weekend off. But I can say this. I am completely enthralled and entranced and blown away by the movie, Legends of the Fall. It is another (along with Shawshank Redemption) of my top 3 favorite movies of all time. It's so filled with tragedy. They should put up a stop light in that tiny hilltop cemetery because there's so much traffic. Anthony Hopkins is superb even before the stroke....and then after, with his closed eye and palsied face, AMAZING. Brad Pitt is beautiful and yet.....beautiful. He's also a damn good actor here. And did i mention, beautiful. Aiden Quinn is the lesser of the handsome men, and he's no slouch. And Julia Ormand is damaged and stunning and lost all at the same time. Great writing, acting, and directing. (Side note - April....I know this one made you shed a tear.) Oh, and did I mention the scenery?! Whoa. This is an EPIC movie.

It's the weekend

I LOVE taking the weekend off. And I am. I will be back on Sunday.

Logophile

Yes, I am a lover of words. That's what the post title means....a person who loves words. This was exhibited in my last post, although I was too lazy to go to the dictionary and really search for the good ones. If you want to get a unique word-a-day, check out wordsmith.org. They'll send a vocabulary word to your e-mail everyday and it will be unusual and one you've probably never used in a sentence. I use that site to get my vocab words for my English classes and lately we've had ambisinister, captious, pip and lacuna. Do you know any of those?! I didn't. Now I do.

mmmmmm

Did you think it was going to be about food?! No! I adore the letter M! Monkeys, money, mulberry, magazines, mercy. Mmmmmm. Music, moon, morning. Mother, motion, muscles, Metropolitan Museum of Art. My Man. Malarky. Mr Rogers. Monsoon, mudpie, mettle.

Short but Sweeeet

I heart bumper stickers. Not really. It's just that saying that makes me think of this one story. Remember those goofy-ass bumper stickers with the "I" then the "heart" symbol then the picture of the dog's head. And it would mean "I love my poodle." Well, a few years after those got popular I saw a bumper sticker that said, "I heart my dog's head." Hahahaha. Really. I laughed for days about that one. I heart my dog's head.

Homemade Pizza!

I be lovin my homemade pizza. Here's why I wrote that sentence like that......I'm on day 13 of my "30 days of stuff I love" and if I write the words, "I love...." one more time I will barf. As I recall, this happened last time too. I had to substitute other words in there. It just gets so TRITE. So, today, I be lovin my homemade pizza.

The routine is simple. Make some dough about an hour or two before dinner time (pour a nice little glass of red wine here and sip it slowly). Let the dough rise in a bowl, covered, on top of the stove. I usually turn the oven on for a few minutes to make the area warm on the stovetop. Then, divide the dough into thirds, ball up and let THAT sit for 15 minutes (you will have finished that first glass by now.....pour glass two). Olive oil the cast iron skillets, sprinkle with corn meal, preheat oven. Take each dough ball and flatten it out, throw it in the air (Go, B!) and flip it into a pan. Then, ahhhhh, the pizza making begins. Mine is always the same because I LOVE it so much (I said it again and it was really okay), pesto, mozzeralla, fresh tomato and garlic, a little parmesean. MMMMM. Jay's was red sauce, chicken/sundried tomato sausage, pepperoni, mozzerella and a few dollpos of pesto on the top. Barry's (the one pictutred) was both red sauce and pesto, broccoli (lots and lots of broccoli), cheeses, tomato, and garlic. He put a bit of fake meat in there too but decided next time to forgo it. You might need to top off that second glass of wine here. Bake for 13 minutes. Eat. Yum.

Snow

I LOVE driving in the snow. And by snow, I mean 18 inches of snow. I mean, put on the chains, back over the berm, and barrel down the block in your front wheel, 2-wheel drive Honda Pilot, over piles and piles of white serious snow. I laugh out loud like a crazy person and Jay looks cautiously over at me from the passenger seat and says, "You really like driving in this weather, don't you mom?" and I say, "Oh yeah." and off we go, to Joann Fabrics. Hahahaha. I can go anywhere with chains on my tires and I will stop on a DIME! I love the white swirling powder storm of snow against the windshield. I love driving through the hedges of snow. I think this is all I can say without sounding TOTALLY irresponsible and careless. Okay. Goodnight.

I love......

nothing today. Oh, I do. I brought a caterpillar in out of the snow. I made white chicken chili. I had one lovely glass of St Francis Claret. I even told my son that he needed to turn off his cell phone because he has a friend over. When you have a guest, listen to them, talk to them and BE PRESENT. I liked all those things. I might have even loved them in my "I love it all" way. But I also feel sad about a lot of the world. People are suffering from floods and earthquakes and nothing gets done. Children get treated badly by the very people they trust. Loneliness is epidemic. Our politicians are corrupt and we have no heros. We stop having conversations with the people we should be talking to, preferring texting and IM's and facebook. (I saw a couple at a table in a restaurant the other day and they were sitting there across from each other, texting.) There's not much to depend on. People lose their jobs and houses and loved ones and we just keep plodding on. I don't love that stuff. None of it. But I love, for some reason, that I can write it down. I love that I can see it, and just keep breathing.

Ear Buds

I love music that surrounds me. I was in the car today with the music blasting and in the car next to me was someone with ear buds in their ears. I can understand the virtue of ear phones/buds/whatever, as far as listening while running or exercising or avoid bothering other people, but the acoustics have to have space to bounce off of, and that just doesn't happen as well confined to my ears.

Goodnight

I love being really tired, but awake enough to appreciate it. Lying in bed when the sheets and blankets all feel just right and I find a sleeping position that is just comfy and not in any way disagreeable. No restless legs, no temperature angst, no strong thirst or hunger. No cravings for nachos or fast food. No strange worries about having a heart attack in the middle of the night. No slight headache that may turn into a stroke at 3:00 a.m. or driving rain that keeps me up worrying about the cat. Just soft coziness and warmth. Ahhhhh. It's moments like this that allow me to experience supreme gratefulness.

Get busy living, or get busy dying.

I love Shawshank Redemption. Wow. What a movie. I didn't watch it tonight (I watched American Idol!), but it's one of my top 3 movies of all time. Andy Dufrain is the classic common-man hero. He's honest and good and Innocent of the crime he was convicted of. He's also willing to break the "law" to get his life back. He hurts no one. And helps many. I love the scene when he's escaping. Also the scene when Morgan Freeman leaves the prison and heads to Mexico. If you don't shed a tear in this movie, you must be the tin man and I would advise you follow the yellow brick road to go find a heart. If you haven't seen it, rent it now.

Just let me sing one more!!!!!!

I love American Idol. I do!!!! I really do. No fooling. I like j-Lo and Steven Tyler and Randy. J-Lo is soooo Jenny from the hood; just a regular gal married to a wack-a-doodle. She's kind and sensible and knows her music.....NOT like Paula. Steven Tyler is alternately funny and serious and deranged. Randy is the new, kinder yet still honest Simon. Happy as can be that Kara is gone, never to be heard from again. I have never really gotten into the show like I have this year. I can't decide if, during the audition phase, I like the talented folks best or the really lousy ones. I cry when the really amazing people sing, and tell their tragic life stories, and I laugh like a fucking hyena when the squeaky, crazy, arrogant people bellow about. LOVE IT.

Sweet Stuff

I love memories. I love how, just through thought, we can remember things that are comforting or funny, or important. Little stories our mind tells us, that are slightly embellished over time, and also slightly forgotten. It's almost as if the mind distills the memory down to just a theme or a lesson. One of the best Valentine memories I have happened when I was maybe 20. At the time, it wasn't necessarily a great day, or even memorable. But I think of it now with great fondness. It was a sweet kindness directed my way and I have never forgotten it. There was a boy that worked with me, Steve, I think. I don't even remember his last name. I vaguely remember him liking me but not thinking much about it. I came home to my apartment after work on Valentine's Day and there was a big fat Manila envelope at my door.

It had my name on the front. I took it inside and opened it up. There were 25 small, store bought valentines. Each was written on in child's handwriting. They all said, "To Jill," and they were all notes. "I hope you have a happy Valentimes" and "I like you" and "Be my Valentine." They were all signed either Love or From, and the children had all written their names. Mark, Janet, Betsy, Tim. I emptied them all out on the table and looked them over. I looked in the envelope for a note, a card or just a scrape of paper to tell me who these were from. Nothing. How weird. I didn't get it. How did these kids know me? And where did these come from? It was a mystery for a while and then I think I just let it go.

Steve never said a word about those cards, but I talked to a friend of his several months later. His friend asked me about the Valentines and it all came back. He told me that Steve had a sister who taught third grade in one of those very small Kansas towns, and that Steve had taken the Valentines out and asked the kids to write me a Valentine. They did, and sometimes I think about those kids writing a Valentine to a girl they didn't even know. I do remember those cards strewn out all over my kitchen table, and I remember that it made me smile and feel strangely happy that someone had left an envelope full of Valentines at my door.

Steve never even said anything to me. We never went out. I never would have known the story except I ran into his friend at a party one night. But it's a nice soft memory of an act of kindness that had no motive or manipulation. I still have those Valentines in that big envelope in a box somewhere. And when I think of that memory, I always hope I'm capable of that kind of kindliness.

Happy Valentimes Day.

La la lalala la lala la la.

Well, I love music. But I also forget about music. I'll go days and not hear a bit of it. Except maybe on American Idol. Hahaha. Really. But then, I'll have a day at home and I'll plug in my computer to the stereo and play Pandora radio for a couple hours. Or I'll just surf my own itunes or check out Grooveshark. I get energized and confident and I dance a across the living room like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, only better. Music is weird like that. It can make me feel really confident, as in, "Yeah world, I just listened to Mumford and Sons and Kings of Leon and I am ready to go out and BE SOMEBODY and KICK SOME ASS and totally BE KIND TO EVERYONE. Yeah, I am going to SUCCEED today f**kers!" It's very cool. I not only love the music but the lyrics too. I pretty much like it all, except country, and I'd probably be okay with that if I had the money to just sit around and listen to music all day. Music can take me over and change my whole mood for the better. It never really changes my mood for the worse, because even sad and depressing songs make me feel good. Oh, yes, I am watching the Grammy's. I haven't watched the Grammy's for a decade but it's kind of fun. I didn't even know who B.O.B. was, or Esperanza, or Lady Antebellum. Well, I'd heard of B.O.B. and L.A. but not Esperanza (won for best new artist). I have a little music sampler to the right of this post I believe. I haven't changed the songs for three years. Because I like them. I think of it as the soundtrack to this blog. Go on, listen.....

Powerball

I love when, If I forget to play the lottery, my numbers don't come up. See, I have two sets of numbers I play quite often on Powerball. I'm a gambler, yet I'm not real consistent on making it to the store on the right days. So, for instance, earlier today I thought, don't forget to buy Powerball tickets. Then at 10:00 p.m., I realized I never did it. I couldn't resist, I had to know! So I googled Powerball and saw that the numbers WERE'NT MY NUMBERS. Ahhhhhh. Relief. Elation! I did not lose millions of dollars by not playing the lottery.

Ommmmmm

i love yoga. It's all about breathing and stretching and wearing cool yoga pants.There's no running involved. You get to close your eyes. I just started a few weeks ago. I can barely touch my knees.

Steamy

I love very long, very hot showers. Lobster skin showers. This may be too much information but TOO BAD PEOPLE. I am a water wasting, utility raising shower fanatic. I will easily shower until the hot water runs out. I will shower until I'm late for class. I seem to get most of my epiphanies and revelations in there, with the pulsing streams of water knocking on (frying) my brain. One of the first shower epiphanies I had was about a million years ago when I was getting ready to pack my bag and head out for my grandma's 90th birthday. Right there in the shower I knew very clearly that I needed to buy a video camera. BOOM! This is before anyone had video cameras. I was very young and I had no money. I think I had one credit card which had rarely, if ever, been used. But there in that shower I realized I had to get a damn movie camera. I was meeting my parents at the birthday party. As I recall it was in a church in Hutchinson Kansas. In a long room with a long brown tables and paper table clothes. Crepe streamer decorations.

I had about 100 miles to drive with a town or two along the way. I stopped at several stores I thought might carry video cameras but couldn't find one. Sure, there were tons of cassette tape players and beta video players, but I couldn't find a video camera. I finally did, of course, (this may be where the bile problem started) and when I got to the party I told my parents I borrowed it from someone. My dad would have bust a gut if he knew I had BOUGHT one. On a credit card. For $1600. That was a CRAZY amount of money back then. That was like 5 months rent. Shit. And the camera was HUGE. Heavy and bulky. Luckily these days my epiphanies are more likely to be about what I should make for dinner or where the raised bed garden should go, although some days I do still have grand ideas like, I'm going to quit my job, or, I think I'm going to start a business. Most of my shower ideas do come to fruition, and it's usually a positive thing. At the time of the video camera splurge, everyone feigned shyness, and didn't want to be filmed. It was such a novelty then. But I was relentless and got great footage. I made people tell me stories. I filmed relatives eating cake. I got audio of myself saying "um" a LOT. But mostly, even now, a million years later, I can hear my grandma laugh. Now THAT'S worth $1600.

Birthday stream of consciousness

It's my birthday. I was driving home from doing some errands this morning and I had the best running dialogue going in my head of blog writing! Man, it was good. I have now forgotten all of it. I don't really think I have early onset, although I worry sometimes about my memory. Although I'm NOT old and I do remember lots of things. I just can't think of any right now. Hahaha. And I'm not going to do some piece on THAT. The whole getting older thing. I'm in a good place, with good people, and good food. I have good employment and good recreation, although I would love to travel more. Good. I'm baking a cake right now. Can someone please tell me the difference between Milk Chocolate, Swiss Chocolate, Devil's Food and Chocolate Fudge? I chose Chocolate Fudge because it sounded, well, chocolater. I'm making it in the two 8" round pans my mom used to use when I was a child, and I'm going to frost my chocolate fudge cake with a brown sugar/caramely frosting that my mom used to always make for me (recipe alert!!!! 1 and a half cups brown sugar, half a cup butter, half a cup milk, put that in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Take off heat and add powdered sugar. Frost cake.). My birthday dinner (which I will not make because I would be the only one eating it since the folks I live with are either vegetarian or tuna abhorers) used to always be tuna and noodles with mashed potatoes.

I have come to a few realizations. Nothing profound. Namely, I write more when I have an assignment. For instance, I started a blog a few days ago (here it is).....

"I have adopted a new cooking method. It's the "throw a bunch of vegetables in a pan with broth and cook em" theory of dinner prep. Then, throw what's in the pan in a blender, and you're done and the soup is on the table. It's rather like making a smoothie, only the smoothie is cold and for breakfast, and the soup is hot and for dinner. The amazing part of this is that Jay likes this dinner. He used to LOVE baby food veggies; squash, carrots, peas, etc...but when I stopped the baby food, he stopped eating vegetables. This is a sly way of bringing back the baby food. And I swear, I am not writing about him for at least a couple weeks.

I HAVE been on a food making kick. I made a berry pie yesterday, and I've been doing other soups (chicken, mushroom and wild rice - yum) and pastas and whatnot. I really am happy to not be at Starbucks anymore. I had no idea how much I would love NOT working there. I feel like I'm having another oneyearofopus even though I have a job. Now if this irritating snow would just go away."

(End of blog) ....and then I just got busy with other things and did not write more, or edit, or THINK, or post it. I've been pretty darn successful with the "30 days of......" so I think I'll go back to that for the next 30. I WAS thinking about this in the car. Thirty days of things I love. Yes, yes, I've done it before. But, I really like being positive. Plus there are so many things I love. And, I feel no pressure when I start up a 30-days-of because if I want to, I can just write one measly sentence. BUT, I have to write every day of that 30. Yay! A purpose! Oh yes, in addition, writing about what I love makes even crappy days better because I am suddenly aware of how stinking lucky I am that I have things to love.

(Three hours later, still my birthday)

We have a phonograph. It works a bit. Sometimes we still play records. It's not a high-tech deal; more of an old console style from the fifties. Mostly we listen to NPR weekend mornings with the radio in it. It's amazing how the radio in a thing like that gets such good reception. So, Jay came up to me a few minutes ago and said what's this? and he was holding one of those yellow plastic 45 record center dohickies that let you play singles on a turntable with just the long thing center piece. (After that description, I'm sure I need a picture here.) I got out my 45's and put on Sister Golden Hair by America. That song was my favorite song once. I still love it. I can still sing all the words. I did, and Jay never once told me to stop. It did skip once, where it plays the same phrase over and over and I was so excited. "That's a skip, that's a skip. Listen. Oh, it just used to gripe the heck out of us. You'll never hear a skip anywhere." and Jay actually seemed interested and listened while the I pushed my finger down on the arm to ride through the scratch. Birthday kindness rocks.

Here is a poem from Poetry Daily that I get on Facebook. It's wonderful. Read it slowly, don't rush, and read it out loud.


Happiness

I have been taught never to brag but now
I cannot help it: I keep
a beautiful garden, all abundance,
indiscriminate, pulling itself
from the stubborn earth. Does it offend you
to watch me working in it,
touching my hands to the greening tips or
tearing the yellow stalks back, so wild
the living and the dead both
snap off in my hands?
The neighbor with his stuttering
fingers, the neighbor with his broken
love: each comes up my drive
to receive his pitying,
accustomed consolations, watches me
work in silence a while, rises in anger,
walks back. Does it offend them to watch me
not mourning with them but working
fitfully, fruitlessly, working
the way the bees work, which is to say
by instinct alone, which looks
like pleasure? I can stand for hours among
the sweet narcissus, silent as a point of bone.
I can wait longer than sadness. I can wait longer
than your grief. It is such a small thing
to be proud of, this garden. Today
there were scrub jays, quail,
a woodpecker knocking at the white
and black shapes of trees, and someone's lost rabbit
scratching under the barberry: Is it
indiscriminate? Should it shrink back, wither,
and expurgate? Should I, too, not be loved?
It is only a little time, a little space.
Why not watch the grasses take up their colors in a rush
like a stream of kerosene being lit?
If I could not have made this garden beautiful
I wouldn't understand your suffering,
nor care for each the same, inflamed way.
I would have to stay only like the bees,
beyond consciousness, beyond self-
reproach, fingers dug down hard
into stone, growing nothing.
There is no end to ego,
with its museum of disappointments.
I want to take my neighbors into the garden
and show them: Here is consolation.
Here is your pity. Look how much seed it drops
around the sparrows as they fight.
It lives despite their misery.
It glows each evening with a violent light.

by Paisley Rekdal

My favorite part of that poem is "working like bees work, which is to say by instinct alone, which looks like pleasure."

I good solid line of poetry makes my day.

So, segueing here into Facebook. I am a convert. I have controlled myself and never spend more than a half hour a day on it, and I mostly make sure it's after 8:00 pm. That way I'm not losing scads of time surfing and looking at other people's vacation pictures. But today, I had a million birthday wishes. It was not fake. It was real birthday love. Thank you, to everyone who sent me a happy birthday wish. I feel blessed and lucky. And for all my former Facebook disdain, all I can say is what I say about EVERYTHING......moderation, baby.

Oh, and the realizations. I said several and I only wrote about one. Another realization is that my life is relatively bile free. For many years I produced a lot of bile. (Sorry) It was mainly because I had dismal relationships (the number one bile-producing problem in the U.S. today) and I was younger and confused. Now, very little bile. Yes, I have a 98% bile free relationship (thank you B), I am older (not OLD), and....wait....okay i'm still confused.

Also, I have come to realize that my office (the 8X8 room in our house that has my desk, B's desk and some bookcases) will never be organized to the point where there are no paper piles on the floor. Now, this is something that has, in the past, produced bile in my guts, but, by changing my perspective, I can accept it and live with it, no bile. No hoarding either, again, moderation.

Okay, have you drifted off yet? One more thing. This is the first day of my what-I-love blog commitment. Here it is....

I love chocolate cake with caramel frosting that was made in those old pans that my mom used to butter and flour for every birthday in our family. I love that those old pans were touched by her fingers as she put the batter in, and when she tapped the cake out onto a plate. I love that the frosting is her recipe and that, because she just knew, she didn't write down the amount of powdered sugar when she sent me the recipe so I'm never really sure how much to put in. I love that she cared enough to make me that cake. I love that she's why I have a birthday today. I love that she had me, even though she was older and she and my dad had to cancel their vacation to Hawaii because SURPRISE I was coming and I love that she taught me how to love so many things so very very much.

Convo

Jay says to me; Mom, we need to go shopping tomorrow for pencils. I say, You have plenty of pencils in this house. He says, Well, I mean mechanical pencils. I reply, But can't we just get lead refills? And he says, No. people have tooken all my pencils like that. AUGHHHHHH. I say, Honey, it's taken. Tooken is not a word. He says, This isn't English class, I just need more pencils. I say, It's ALL an English class when you have me for your mother. He says, But you're not MY English teacher. And I say, Do you KNOW what my job description is here? It's to make you into a productive, loving, kind, literate adult. There, that's my job description.

Silence. Yay.

Hello?

My son had his first "anonymous girl" phone call tonight. The phone rang (yes, we still have a land line) and it came up as Private Call. I answered it and there was a moment of silence. Hello, I said. A young girl giggled and asked, Is this Jay's house? I answered, yes, would you like to talk to him? Giggle. Giggle. Who is this, I asked. A girl from his class, came the reply. Giggle. Background second-girl giggle. Well he's right here, you can talk to him, I said. Jay was standing a foot from me looking puzzled. I handed him the phone. Hello, he said. Hi, yes, no, no, who is this, he said. Click. He didn't recognize the voice but he was quite flattered. Nothing rude or vile was said. Just twelve year old giggling girls and a perplexed thirteen year old boy. I thought it was cute and sweet. SOMEBODY has a crush on you, I said (shrieked). But WHO? Jay responded. And got nervous and smiley. What a small little window of time. When you are suddenly aware of the opposite sex and yet everything is still innocent and dear. No seriousness or decisions or hurt or CRAZY MAKING BEHAVIOR.

I've been feeling a large amount of grace lately. Towards me, I mean. I read a short definition of grace as being unmerited mercy and I loved that. I've been feeling loved and blessed and lucky and sheltered. And through none of my own creating. So, all you friends and angels and anonymous perpetrators of kindness out there....I appreciate you and I am going to work at putting it all back out there.

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.”
--Anne Lamott

And, a MLK quote I just found......

“Everybody can be great because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

One quote seems to be about receiving grace and the other about bestowing grace. Now, in regards to the MLK quote....combined with the fact that I started teaching English 100 and 101 again today.....you actually DO have to make your subject and verb agree, but I still like the quote. Hahahaha.

And then, because I so like definitions....

Grace:

--(Christian theology) a state of sanctification by God; the state of one who is under such divine influence;
--elegance and beauty of movement or expression; "a beautiful figure which she used in subtle movements of unparalleled grace"
--seemliness: a sense of propriety and consideration for others; "a place where the company of others must be accepted with good grace"
--a disposition to kindness and compassion; "the victor's grace in treating the vanquished"
--(Greek mythology) one of three sisters who were the givers of beauty and charm; a favorite subject for sculptors
--a short prayer of thanks before a meal; "their youngest son said grace"
--(Christian theology) the free and unmerited favor or beneficence of God; "God's grace is manifested in the salvation of sinners"; "there but for the grace of God go I"
-- A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.
-- Mercy; clemency.
-- A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.
-- A temporary immunity or exemption; a reprieve.
-- Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
-- The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.
-- Music; An appoggiatura, trill, or other musical ornanment in the music of 16th and 17th century England.

Okay, now I'm on a roll. I am LOVING these grace quotes. They all just seem to fit.

“Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace.”
-- May Sarton

Of course I was going to work gardening in here somehow :)

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.”
--Denis Waitley

“life is a gift, and i try to respond with grace and courtesy”
-- Maya Angelou

So, I just had one of those weird moments. I saw the quote, "Tuesdays child is full of grace." Well, I was born on Tuesday and I have always been a fairly clumsy type. I never understood that damn quote. I thought that quote meant elegance, but maybe it means mercy, a sense of gratitude, and THAT stuff. It makes sense to me now. Cool.

Just a Thought

First things first....Pente was not invented by Hasbro, it was invented by some other guy. I think his name starts with a G. You can find it in the Pente! word at the top of the blog, shaded in gray. It will take you to a link. Also, Allegiant Air does tack on fees for luggage and taxes and the like. So, when it says 40.00, it's more like 70.00. I am not a person who is hugely concerned with facts, although I do not want to mislead.

Secondly, I found this great video on FB today.........watch it here

I am thinking about doing it. But, I know myself. If I just did it and acted like it was forever and that I was never going to get back on, I would fail. I would start to hide it, sneaking on when B's at work and Jay's at school. When people talked about it, I would feign innocence...."wow, really, she wrote what!? Holy Smokes." So, here is my idea. Cut down drastically. ONE DAY A WEEK. Yeah baby. Pick my day, done. I would manage my time so much better. I would HAVE more time in my day. Instead of watching a three minute blurb of The Daily Show, I just WATCH THE SHOW. I could read and do dishes and grade papers and get some damn sleep (instead of looking at vacation pictures of someone I don't even know anymore at 11:30 p.m.). I am thinking really hard about this one. I already picked out my day....Monday. That would be it. Yes, I like the idea.

Psssst....

Have you HEARD about Allegiant Air Airlines? They are really cheap. And good. My nephew, Neal, and his family flew from Idaho tp Phoenix for almost nothing at Thanksgiving on Allegiant Air. I just checked on a flight to Kansas from Phoenix and it's 40.00 one way. That's crazy! I am really into saving money right now. I occasionally do this money challange with myself where I give myself a boundary financially and then try to stick to it. Hahaha. I did it very successfully a few years ago during my actual One Year of Opus and did not buy anything that I might wear (including purses, shoes, ear rings). FOR ONE YEAR. Honestly, I accidentally bought one Cardinals tee shirt, but that's all. Otherwise, I did it, and I saved a crapload of money.

So, for the month of January I'm only buying things I can ingest. Wine, groceries, medication and chocolate all fall into this category. I have passed up two VERY cute shirts at Target, a beautiful flannel comforter cover from Eddy Bauer, a few books and some jewelry. And; Christmas decorations at 50% off, a cool piece of art on etsy, a set of Tupperware at Sam's Club, and several other pieces of clothing. Whew! Obviously I need to do this more often.


It is necessary; therefore, it is possible.
--G. A. Borghese

Games & Soup

Pente!!!!!

This is a great game. It takes some brain, but not as much as chess. It has little round glass pieces that are smooth and appealing. It is difficult, yet fun, and is perfectly suited to a nice glass of red. There is nothing to read. As one plays for the first time, one might think they are playing an ancient Japanese game, created centuries ago, filled with history and mystique. Hahaha. Nope, created by Hasbro in 1977.

I made borscht on Saturday. I made it because I found nine bags of beets in the garage freezer. They were from the garden in 2009. Heaven forbid I throw them away, I knew they would still be good and beet-like.

Hold that thought.

I have a Facebook profile. I went into Facebook kicking and screaming. I was NOT going to succumb to a teenage social network that doled out sound bites of information. Was. Not. But I eventually got on board, as I will probably do with every technological invention that comes my way if I can figure it out. So, here it is, 2011, and although I have a Facebook profile, I remain a lurker. I decided that since my friend, Maggie, was popping out sentences on facebook, I would occasionally jot down a few myself. So to make a very short story stupidly long, I wrote on my facebook, Jill Divine "is making borscht."

This is the comment I got from my son....

" It didn't taste very good and it was too red! But overall if my mom made it again I would probably eat it."

I love Facebook. I love borscht. Here's what goes in it....
3 C diced beets
2 cups diced carrots 1 medium onion
bit of garlic
several stalks celery
8 cups broth (either chicken or veggie)
half a head of shredded cabbage
teaspoon or so fresh dill
sour cream

Saute onion and garlic in a few tablespoons of olive oil. Add broth, beets, carrots, dill, and celery. Cook for an hour or so. Add cabbage and cook for another hour. Spoon into bowls and add a dollop (wtf) of sour cream. sprinkle with a bit more dill.

Again, yum.

This is a bit of health in every spoonfull. And, by the way, whereas Pente has not so much history, borscht does....here

Finding Music Already #2, 2011

One of the items on my thingsiwanttodo list for 2011 was to find and listen to good music. My friend, Scott Feather, put this list on his FB and it's GOOD. And although it's his list for 2010, as he says, it's not about when they're released, it's all about the "find." And aside from the couple I've already heard, I'm finding most of these in 2011. Thank you Scott, for being my first guest blogger of the year.


Songs 2010
by Scott Feather on Friday, January 7, 2011 at 9:26pm

Last year I made a “favorite songs of 2009” list. At the time I it just felt like something I had to do, having heard too many good songs over the course of a year to not talk about them a little bit. I didn’t know if it was something I would be able to do again the next year. I mean, what if 2010 sucked for music? What if I didn’t discover any songs that blew my mind? I’m pleased to announce that is not the case. Awesome songs abound. They always seem to be waiting patiently to be found, and then when you play them for the first time, they pounce like lions. It’s one of my favorite characteristics of music, the immediate impact it can have, like after you hear a great song, the world seems like a different place. 2010 was no exception. Now I’ve said this before, but this isn’t a proper “Best Of” list because some of these songs didn’t come out in the past year. It’s just when I discovered them . . . or how I like to think of it, when they discovered me. I mean, who gives a shit when a song was released? its all about the find. So without further delay, My Top 16 songs of 2010. Why sixteen you ask? Because sixteen is better than ten. I just picked the songs that I had something to say about.


16. Too Long Awake - Idlewild

I’ve always kind of dug this Scottish band, but in a very moderate way, just a song hear or there. kind of a hipster sounding R.E.M. . From their third record Warnings/Promises, it’s undoubtedly the most memorable song they have ever written. I love distortion. But not when its used to simply make the song sound abrasive (I know when you are trying to annoy me, song). I love it when it’s used with a sense of melancholy, when it rides the fence between ugly-sounding and melodically haunting. The guitar in this song sounds like ache. It bends and sways and I close my eyes when I hear it.


15. Right Ahead, Great Sailor! - Right Away, Great Captain


Right Away, Great Captain is the folky side project from Manchester Orchestra’s hairy front man Andy Hull. It is a much lighter serving from a guy whose songwriting is starting to reach startling heights (more from him later). This song is just an acoustic guitar and a kind of lazy, jangly sounding vocals. Clocking in right around two minutes, I just cant seem to get enough of it. You know those little ice cream bites called Dibs? The ones where you pop a couple and then realize you have no physical ability to stop? That’s this song. I listen to it constantly. It’s stuck in my head constantly. It’s like a box of Dibs. Great lyrics too. My favorite lines in a song aren’t the ones that are necessarily that profound, but just the ones that I can extract from the song and attach a personal meaning to them. “how easy would it be if we could see the plan . . . but really what’s the plan?”


14. Beauty School - Deftones


Deftones never cease to amaze me. They remain as bad to the bone as they were when I was a sophomore in high school. As a band they have constantly evolved while maintaining a central thread of identity. Their songs are angry and sexy and sad, often all at the same time. This gem from their latest, Diamond Eyes is one of their most refined statements. Abe Cunninghams drums groove like you would not even fucking believe, and Chino Moreno’s voice comes in, sounding like some kind of amazing combination of confesstion and seduction. It’s absolutely astonishing to me that this band was EVER lumped in with bands like Korn and Limp Bizkit. It simply boggles my mind.


13. Wagon Wheel - Old Crow Medicine Show


As much as I love music, you would be surprised how reluctant I am to hear music people want to play for me. This is, of course, absurd, and something I should definitely work on, especially since sometimes they bring me songs like this. My brother came over to my house and basically made me listen to this song. And it starts, and the verse is cool and I dig the banjo and the twangy vocals ok, and then it get’s to the chorus, and to the part (and if you have never heard this song just go listen to it so you can know what im talking about) “heyyyyyy, mama rock me” and it is game, set, match. Like, holy shit, that’s why harmony exists. It’s one of the glimpses in a song where everything gets stripped to it’s simplest and you understand why the precise appeal of music. Beautiful.


12. Left and Leaving - The Weakerthans.


I love sad songs. But the thing is they rarely make me sad. I don’t know what that means about me, but it’s always been like that. Case in point, Left and Leaving. It’s a crushing post break-up song, that, from what I gather has the poor chap wandering around trying to keep his mind off his lost love. Typical story, except this dude is an above average writer. “I wait in 4-4 time, count yellow highway lines . . .” It’s such a concentrated line about loneliness. Devastating. And every time I hear it I smile inappropriately.


11. Hole In the Fence - Person L


How a song this beautiful came from the brain of a former pop-punk front man who was best known for one MTV song and his spiky bleached blonde hair astounds me. Kenny Vasoli makes a magnificent leap from The Starting Line to this band, writing songs that you feeled compelled to stop what youre doing a listen to. It sounds more like Explosions in the Sky than Green Day. And Holy Mother of God, that’s a good thing. This song was responsible for a mix I made for someone I titled Driveways at Night. It’s the kind of song that if its on when you’re driving home and its still going when you get there, you sit in your car and finish it. It’s just too good to cut short.


10. Just Stay - Kevin Devine


If you ever get a chance to see this dude live, you better go. One of the best shows I have seen (not the very best though, we’ll get to that in a bit). He played at a coffee shop and there were maybe thirty-five of us there. He just played without a mic and song his heart out. This was my favorite that he sang. It’s shows off his vocal range, going from a sweet melodic verse to the bridge that finds this anger brimming to the surface. But if you look at the lyrics, the anger was always there. It was just musically well hidden. “she said “it’s pretty but you hate yourself, I can hear clear as day.” I said I sing like this, it sounds worse than it is, I’m ok . . .ok.” Maybe this justifies why I like sad songs so much. Sometimes they just sound fucking great.



9. Swim - Surfer Blood


Like the Old Crow song, sometimes it can be one particular moment in a song that can win me over. Like, I may have been halfway listening and then this . . . part happens, and it’s like “what the hell was that?!” Swim has one of those moments. They have a really indie sounding vocal approach (think somewhere in between early Shins and Band of Horses) and in the chorus there is a line he keeps repeating “Swim to reach the end.” On the very last one he just fucking loses it. “Swim to reach THE END!!!!,” hitting this elevated note. I remember exactly where I was when I heard it and made Sam rewind it about four times. Ok, so there are pictures of me at a Halloween party and in this one pic I’m clearly singing and have my fist clenched. I know that I’m listening to that song, because I have the exact same physical response every time that song comes on.


8. Small Skeletal - Crime In Stereo


I’m pretty sure this is the song I have listened to more than any other song in the past year. You know when bands at one point belonged to some kind of intense genre like punk or hardcore and then get labeled sellouts because their new songs start to take one this new sound that’s not as hardcore or punk as it used to be. Yeah, I tend to love those bands. Crime In Stereo were an edgy hardcore punk band that’s music kept getting more and more versatile. But what a band loses in so-called integrity they make up for in a more free form of expression. This post hardcore gem has one of the most memorable first verses I can remember. From what I can gather the song is talking about cigarettes and cancer. “Now each day I sink a bit further into my father’s fate. Four packs a day, four decades straight right into an unmarked grave.” And then the chorus where he screams “I used to think it would sleep!!!” And as cool as the lyrics and vocals are the real kicker is when that drummer starts wailing on those toms in the chorus. Try not moving your head when that part comes on. Can’t do it. You just can’t.


7. Popinjay - Joy Formidable


This is got to be the best, I guess random is the word, band I have ever stumbled across. AP Magazine had this little paragraph about them and I liked the buzzwords they used to describe them. “Walls of guitars” and “shoe gazer” but “raw and melodic.” So I gave em a quick listen and it took about twelve seconds to figure out that they absolutely fucking rule. Their songs are so melodic, so sexy, so hard hitting, so fucking loud. It’s all the reasons the Pixies are great. Its all the reasons My Bloody Valentine and Slowdive are great too. And this song . . . oh man, this song. I mentioned once before, this song has this cockiness to it. I love when a song is so good you can hear that they know how good it is. I have this weird thought of them playing this song at some kind of battle of the bands, finishing, and just walking off stage like, “your move, bitches.” and no one, the crowd, the judges, the front of house, having the slightest idea what hit them. This song is literally that good.


6. Sigh No More - Mumford and Sons


Oh, this band. Is there a band that released an album in the last year with such a pure, joyless, heartfelt delivery as Mumford and Sons? How about, well, ever? I knew this band was good from the first time I heard them, but nothing, NOTHING, could have prepared me for seeing them live. I have never seen anything like it. Oh, I’ve seen great shows with great crowds, but this was different. This was spiritual. There was a connection between the band and the crowd, this shared energy, that I can only describe as joy. People sang. People clapped. People put arms each other. This was more than a live show. This was a gathering. With the exception of a few special New Years Eves, I have never felt such comradery with complete strangers. They opened with this song, and when the get to the chorus and the lead singer has the kick pedal set up by the mic and he starts hammering that thing and singing “Love it will not betray you, it will not dismay you, it will set you free” the crowd just erupted. I’ll never forget it. It would even be alright if another show never topped it. If you get the chance to see this band, do it. You’re not going to convince me of an excuse good enough not to.


5. Love Is All - Tallest Man On Earth


This is another song that has a moment that simply cannot be ignored. It’s a beautiful folk song that frankly, sounds from another era. He sounds more like Woody Guthrie than any other singer I can keep of. Its such a simple song, just him and an acoustic guitar, no accompaniment at all. And this chorus “Oh, I said I could rise from the harness of our goals, here come the tears but like always I let them go.” and when he hits always . . . I swear to God. It’s like the world stops revolving for a split second to hear this guy. His voice just sounds shredded and soulful. The song soon ends and the everything unfreezes, but if you listen to this song, prepare to be stopped in your tracks, if only for a few seconds.


4. Lemon world - The National


It could have been several songs off this band’s newest release High Violet, but this is the one I keep gravitating to. The National have been one of my favorite bands for several years now, but on this record they take it up a notch. Interestingly this is probably the simplest, most laid back song on the record. I think I can’t get enough of it because its so much fun to sing along to. “I‘m too tired to drive anywhere anyway right now, do you care if I stay” . . . the song just grooves. Singer Matt Berninger has the raddest phrasing, creating lines that are awesome not so much for what he is saying but more how he is saying it. Favorite line of the whole record “I’ll try to find something on this thing that means nothing enough.” I like to imagine being at someones house, someone you don’t know very well, and your rummaging through their records or scrolling through their ipod, and you’re trying to find the song that is perfect. Not too overbearing or epic, but not too easy to ignore or nothing-ish. Just . . . nothing enough.


3. It’s Ok With Me - Manchester Orchestra


I remember the first time I heard this song and the first half of the song was so beautiful that I was just praying “Please, please don’t take some weird turn for the worse. Please don’t start rocking out for no reason. Just stay like this.” And thank God it does. A drumless, baseless mournful dirge of a relationship just slowly, inevitably falling apart. The only other song I can think of to compare it to is the Hallelujah version by Jeff Buckley. I swear, when I listen to this song, its like a weird blend of every raw emotion
from a breakup I’ve ever been in. Which probably sounds fucking awful, but when I hear this song it’s, like Natalie Portman said in Garden State, like I’m in it. Andy Hull has one of the best voices I’ve ever heard and I think this band is going to be around a long time. The only bummer is this song is hard to find. It got released on a four song EP that came with their record when you bought it a local record store, some kind of promotion for buying local. But music nerds, just do what you need to do find this song, because its worth the effort.


2. Stay Lucky - The Gaslight Anthem


Is it premature to say Gaslight is on their way to being the most important rock band of our time? Maybe, because I think the term “important” is kind of stupid. However music affects you is valid regardless of what critics or magazines or the masses think. But if I did like such a stupid term, I think Gaslight would be that band, because, my God, they feel important to me. I didn’t think they could top their sophmore masterpiece ‘59 Sound, but they may have done just that with their new record American Slang. No longer are they writing songs about being in love and wild and being twenty. Now they are writing songs about being thirty, and how life just doesn’t seem to be turning out quite how they envisioned. “Mama told me there would be days like these until it was much too late to recover.” The best compliment I can pay this band is it feels like they are writing my songs, songs about my life. I think everyone at some point needs to have that band. It wouldn’t surprise me if The Gaslight Anthem could be it.


1. Hip Hop Saved My Life - Lupe Fiasco (Featuring Nikki Jean)


It crossed my mind to bury this song somewhere in the middle of this list. I mean, its unlike anything else on the list, and isn’t a good example of what I normally listen to. And it’s not like I can relate to this song exactly, the economic struggles of an aspiring MC who is trying to support a family. I thought about all those things but honestly it doesn’t matter, because the truth is, there was not a song in 2010 that I had a stronger emotional reaction to. Not one. I have this memory of driving on I-40 and listening to this song and realizing I was dangerously close to tears. What the fuck?!? The oddest thing is that phenomenon has happened a bunch of times. There is one thing I’ve never quite understood about punk rock. Making money is bad? I’m sure that’s a blanket statement but what I love about this song is that is exactly what it’s about. At the end you hear what he would do if he had more money and the content with Lupe’s urgent delivery is breathtaking. “told her when he get home he’ll take her to the gallery and buy everything but the mannequins.” It must be the passion. I’m starting to realize more and more that often in music, like the National song, its not what you say, it’s how you say it. I can’t think of anyone in any song who said it better than Lupe Fiasco did in this song.



So there you go, friends. These are my favorites of 2010. You should listen to them because I think there is a good chance you will like them. I hope at the very least there were some songs that had a similar effect. We’ll see what 2011 has to offer. Happy New Year.

#1, 2011

I was on the cover of a magazine. I have no idea how or why it happened. Someone must think I'm a writer.



Some things I'd like to do in 2011....
1. Travel somewhere warm and beachy.
2. Discover new music that is so good I can't sleep. That happened with Counting Crows, August and Everything After.
3. Learn how to can vegetables. Hahaha, that's been on my list for five years and I've never done it. No chance.
4. Prepare for the end of the world in 2012 by hoarding bottled water and toilet paper.
5. See a live concert.
6. Exercise three times a week with "Just Dance 2" on the Wii.
7. Make dinner and eat it at the table on a regular basis. As opposed to stick taquitos in the microwave for Jay and feed him while he watches basketball on TV and grab a handful of chips and a glass of wine for myself.

Whew! That's enough.

Speaking of food, here's a great soup....make it.....eat it.

Spicy Pecan Soup

2T butter
1/2 cup minced onion
3T minced garlic
6 cups chicken or vegetable stock
6 oz can tomato paste
2 cups heavy cream (I used almond milk instead and it was great, no cholesterol, way less calories)
2T lemon juice
3 cups pecan pieces
3T finely chopped chipotles (I only used 2T because I am mildly spicy girl)
salt/pepper

Cook and stir onion and garlic in butter for five minutes. pour i stock and whisk in tomato paste, cream and lemon juice. Bring to a boil. Turn to medium/low and add pecan pieces and chipotle. In batches, puree in blender Pour back into pot and heat. Super easy and REALLY tasty. Make beer bread to go along with it. Drink a buttery white wine, or a slightly tannic Chianti.