Monday, March 29, 2010

Run for your lives.....it's Direct TV

When I was ensconced in my One Year of Opus, did I ever make the comment, "I'm so tired?" I think not. If I remember correctly, I was painting things, writing poems, taking care of my dear mama, and gardening. I was busy. I was using my noggin (my dad's word) to figure out color schemes and what to plant and what to feed the boy and how to keep my mom warm. But I don't believe I was tired. Now, I am TIRED. T-I-R-E-D. Most nights I am too tired to blog. I am too tired to watch The Daily Show or Chelsea Handler. I am too tired to go out and drink a bunch of beer. WTF. But, obviously, I am NOT too tired to complain.

Direct TV sucks. I'm putting it out there. I'm even going to say this, youfuckersatDirecttvpissmeoff. I have always been mired in confusion regarding television. When I was a kid you didn't PAY for tv. You got 13 channels and it was free, aside from the electricity it took to run the television. Then there was cable, and then Satellite tv. And it's expensive! Lots of moolah. But if you want to watch tv, (and I don't even get the premium channels!) you have to do it.

So a few years ago I had cable. It kept going out. Two years ago I got Direct TV. I had the serviceman come out to the house. Here's what they do...they drill HOLES in your outside walls and run a thick white cable into your house. They run that white cable along the outside of your house to the dish. They don't put it in the wall. It looks crappy. But that's how they do it. And that's the BEST part. The contract looms. In the contract it says that they will give you a good price for 12 months, but the contract is for 24 months. So basically, after a year they can raise your rates and you are still committed for another year. When the guy was out here installing it I told him I just wanted a year contract. He said, YES, THAT'S FINE, JUST CROSS OUT THE 24 MONTHS AND PUT IN 12. So I did that. Haha on me. The company does not consider the installers as "spokespeople" for the company. WTF? I found this out because after one year my cost for Direct tv DOUBLED. Ughhhhh. When I called them and told them about my special 12 month contract they pretty much laughed at me. Hahaha that's not valid. So, while waiting for the second 12 month contract to run out, we went to Best Buy last week and got another receiver box to put in the guest room so Jay could continue his March Madness obsession. I had the receiver box activated, but the next day I couldn't get it to work, I called Direct tv and they fixed it, and also informed me that when I activated the box, I was gifted with ANOTHER EIGHTEEN MONTH CONTRACT. At the stinking higher price.

They were horrible. Evil. Yucky. They made me cry. And I have Direct tv for eighteen more months because it would cost 465 dollars to break my NEW contract. That I didn't even okay. That they have no signature on and no verbal agreement. I went to my trusty Internet and looked up "Direct tv scam" and there it was...rampant tv angst. Hundreds of people caught in the Direct tv web of lies. Sadly, there was something very comforting about being part of a group clusterfuck as opposed to being the only one duped.

I never believed this kind of shit. I always thought, Well, I could get out of that. Or, you just have to explain it. But truly, they have you over the old proverbial barrel. So, I've cut my service down to the bare minimum. And September 20, 2011, I am calling Direct tv for the last time. Until then, I am going to fight off my lethargy for the sake of complaining about Direct tv to everyone I know. Consider yourself warned.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Heap Big Winter

Shed before snow.....









Shed after snow......










We saw Alice in Wonderland. Not the 3/D version because I find that a little distracting the first time through a movie. I loved it. It was so WEIRD. Speaking of weird, I'm trying to buy a Mr Peanut Peanut Butter Maker off e-bay. I had one when I was a kid. It made great peanut butter. Now don't y'all go bidding on one right now because I need to win mine first. They make really good peanut butter, which come to think of it, I'm really not that crazy about. I think I want it because my mom and dad got me one for Christmas one year and I had so much fun cranking that handle and being so amazed when ACTUAL peanut butter emerged from Mr Peanut's ear area. B and I are getting ready to work on cutting apart the shed. We're also going to move the garden box so I can start planting peas. Even though we could realistically get another snow, I'm thinking winter might just be over. I'm ready for the garden and tank tops and opening all the windows in the house and watching my paper piles blow all over, while standing in the middle of the room thinking, "Ahhhh. It's springtime."

Friday, March 12, 2010

Starbucks Tales

The woman taxi driver in the Starbucks drive thru today. For reals.
(I've been wanting to write "for reals" for a couple weeks now. Hahahaha.)
But really. For reals.

Barista - Hi! Welcome to Starbucks! My name is Marcia! What can I get started for you? Would you like to try our Dark Cherry Mocha?

Taxi Lady - Is this Betty? Hi Betty!

Barista - No, this isn't Betty. What can I get for you?

Taxi Lady - It sounds like Betty. What's your name?

Barista - This is Marcia. What can I get for you?

Taxi Lady - That's a pretty name. I'll have a JFK.

Barista - Thank you. And I have no idea what you ordered but if you tell me what it is, I can make it for you.

(Barista is now gritting her teeth. And still smiling)

Taxi Lady - A JFK. You know, three shots.

Barista - Oh.

Barista - Okay.

(Taxi Lady pulls forward and runs into the car ahead of her)

(Like she needs more caffeine)

(Sheesh)

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Found Poem

A "found poem" is a poem that you FIND. You can find it in a billboard on a highway or in the text of a magazine article. You can find it on the back of a cereal box or in the subtitles of a foreign film. It must be the complete and actual text. That's my rule anyway. Some people pick and choose more but I believe it must be the exact wording to be a true found poem. The secret is that you make it a poem by line breaking it. Plus, it should be a little bit poetic. Or odd. Or surprising. Or funny. Or just beautiful. I found one today. I found it in the "info" file in my favorites under "Movie ratings for kids." it's a rather cool site that rates the sex/gore/profanity levels of movies. I check it out from time to time when I'm going to rent a movie for Jay. Today I was looking up Napoleon Dynamite. Here is my found poem.....


SEX/NUDITY 3

A woman gets off a bus, looks
at a man waiting for her, she runs to him
and they kiss (we hear smacks).
A woman takes off
a man's glasses, looks at him
suggestively
and they play footsie under the table.
A woman kisses a man
on the cheek a few times. Young men
and young women dance together
at a school dance. A young man asks
another young man
if his girlfriend is "hot." Two young men talk
about "hookin' up with chicks."
A young man touches
a young woman's hand and then pulls away.
A man touches another man's knee
and they both jump
and move away from each other.
Two young men talk about asking young women
to a dance. A young man dances on a stage
thrusting his hips several times.
Five young women wearing short skirts
that reveal bare legs
dance on a stage. A woman wears
a low-cut dress that reveals cleavage,
and young women wear evening gowns
that reveal bare shoulders
and backs. A man tries to sell
an herbal product that claims
to enhance women's breast size. We see
the engorged udders
of a cow.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Simplistic Movie Review

I really loved the movie, Where The Wild Things Are. One reason is quotes like this...

Judith: Happiness isn't always the best way to be happy.

But really I liked it because it's kind of sad. I loved the realism of the family. I loved the darkness of the realism of the family. I loved the way the darkness did not interfere with the love. Maybe the darkness was a big slice of the love. I loved how it all existed at once. I loved how the child was lonely and that loneliness was so palpable. I loved the creatures and how they were filled with metaphor and slime. I loved that Spike Jonze actually took actors to an island and dressed them up in nine foot tall furry suits and made them run around (I also like that he spells his name with a z). I loved the fort made out of twigs and I loved how it looked as if it was made with a Spirograph. I loved that the monsters could be conquered by "staring into all their yellow eyes without blinking once," I loved the seesaw of fear and comfort, I even loved that Sendak said, when asked, “What do you say to parents who think the Wild Things film may be too scary?" answered, “I would tell them to go to hell. That’s a question I will not tolerate.”

It just came out on DVD and I'm going to go buy it. I tried to win it on some site but they haven't e-mailed me yet with the good "You're the Winner" news so I suppose I'll just fork over the cash because I like it THAT much.

See it.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Let-Downs

Well, the Olympics are over. Four more years until the next Winter Olympics and it's gonna go by like a short track skater. Yes, I love Apollo Ohno. He's fast and he's lucky. I'm kind of glad they're over. I love watching them but they're on so LATE. I sound like an old fuddy duddy. And then, it takes forever to see the people you want to see. Plus, I feel guilty if I don't watch them because it's not on again for FOUR YEARS, so if I like 'em, I should watch 'em. So, even though I might need to grade papers or clean the bathroom, I feel obligated to watch the Olympics. And then, there's this perverse love of the "crash" (come ON, you know you love it too....the wipe-out on the ski slope or the fall after the doubletriplelutz). And immediately after the CRASH is the guilt at having secretly WANTED the crash when you know it DASHED someones hopes and dreams of the MEDAL. All in all, it's a good thing they're only on every four years. Obviously I'd go MAD if they were on more often.

We've gone through 3 seasons of Dexter and now we're ready for season 4 and it doesn't come out until this SUMMER!!!! Waaaaaaa. I got so involved. Okay, I need a series. It's going to be Weeds, or Six Feet Under I think, How's that one with Holly Hunter, Grace something? And no True Blood because B is not into Vampires. I'm starting to enjoy the technological era. I like being able to bust through a whole season of shows in a weekend. It's slightly "instant gratification" overload but it saves time.

Non let-down item...... my friend Jackie and I are taking the boys (Jay and her son, Michael) to see Switchfoot on Thursday. A concert! on a school night! and I don't work Friday! We're going to take lighters for the encore and hide boda bags filled with Boones Farm under our coats....oh wait, that was me in the 80's. Hahahaha. I figure Switchfoot is a step up from The Jonas Brothers and Hillary Duff. Jay's first concert was Jethro Tull when he was three and since then we've seen Widespread Panic and a couple others. I figure he'll only want to actually go with me to concerts for, hmmmm, let's see, maybe another MONTH before he just banishes me altogether from any social events that he attends.

It's really okay that I could only think of two things to blog about on my "Let-downs" post. I even had to use filler "non-let-down" text. Whereas I suppose I could just change the title of this post to "Hmmmmm" or "Dexter, concerts and the Olympics" I think I would prefer to just appreciate that I don't have many let-downs right now.

The ideas that have lighted my way have been kindness,
beauty and truth.
--Albert Einstein