Life is weird. Hours after the "All about my mom" post, she fell and broke her hip. Since she really has no language to speak of (is that a pun?), the only way to gauge if she feels pain is by facial expression. A nurse could ask her how she is and my mom would have no idea what or how to respond. In fact, it wouldn't even dawn on her that a response was required. And, actually, she probably would have forgotten both the pain and the question by the time the inquiry was finished. So I felt good being able to translate, and to let all the care giving people know that, no, she cannot respond, she cannot answer questions, and she cannot follow directions. Oh, but she'll smile at you and she does seem to understand a bit of what's said. (She also has Pick's disease, which takes away language.) They all prepared me for the worst; she's frail and has dementia and is 87 years old and "you just never know."
I thought a lot about life and death sitting with her in the emergency room Thursday night. I thought a lot about it all day Friday, talking to the anaesthesiologist and the bone doctor and the nurses (who were all kind and wonderful), and taking Jay up before the surgery to kiss his grandma, and sitting in the waiting room and cafeteria (awesome food at that Flagstaff Medical Center by the way) while she was in surgery and post-op. Shout out to Maggie and Alyson who sat with me.
Man, I was scared. I was also wondering, as usual. I kept thinking about quality of life...and living life...and what's for the best...and why... and I thought, in-between my own fear and anxiousness, that whatever happens is okay.
But I tell ya, when they let me go up to her room after the surgery and the post-op, and she was alert and she looked up at me and smiled and gave a little laugh (Yeah, after a new hip, she's chuckling), I was so flipping happy. I was so unbelievably happy that my own little mama was still here, still smiling, and still not remembering a darn thing. A little bit of selfishness on my part but I still need hugs from that lady, and she's still here to give them.
3 comments:
Oh, Jill.
Selfishness keeps us ALL together.
xo
mag
Holy crap, Jill -I'm so glad you found me. I don't know of anyone going through this at the same time as me and your posts about your Mom (loved the poem, too) are fantastic. I feel like we are kindred spirits! Finally, someone who knows exactly what it's like. I went to see my Dad today. He didn't know me and was vacant. Kind of sad. Just sat there with his mouth open. He has his good and bad days and you just gotta keep going, ya know? Yes, you do. The post about saying goodbye to a dysfunctional relationship is actually about my little brother. I love him, but I sure don't like him. He's all but disappeared since Dad got sick and has left me with everything. Asshole. Anyway, you hang in there and I love the blog-great first try!
WOW! What you wrote is beautiful and the photos of your mom...THERE GORGEOUS!!!
Have a smiling Day!
Aly
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