Loser

So, my beautiful moment was going to be when the Arizona Cardinals won the Superbowl. And then, they didn't. And it was so close. And it was so possible. And Jay and I were hollering in the living room. And then, with less than a minute left, Pittsburgh made a touchdown. For a minute, no 10 seconds, I wanted to weep. Truly. I wanted to collapse on the floor and sob. I wanted them to win. I wanted my team to win. And then, when they lost, I wanted to immerse myself in the despair of it. But there's this weird voice in my head that always brings me back to balance. Usually, I appreciate it. It's the voice that reminds me that there are more important things in the world than football games. It makes me think that it must be great for all the Steelers fans. WTF!? I am confronted by that serotonin voice telling me there's always next year, and that at least no one got hurt. But, despite the balance. I still wanted my team to win. And even with that voice in my ear, I can't see the game in the same beautiful way I would have had they won.

So, beautiful thing, I'm still thinking. It wasn't the game. The game was a great football game. Either team could have won it. But it wasn't beautiful. It sucked. I'm searching here. What other beautiful things filled my day? It could have that damn speckled chicken taking a dust bath. That made me laugh. No. It could be the cat purring next to me; the one that I woke up to trying to hook a soft claw on my nose. No. In fact, this reminds me of when I was a kid and something would make me mad, and then I'd hold onto it all day. That's what I'm doing. I'm holding onto the loss. I would have felt completely different if my team had won. It would have all been beautiful...the game, the chicken, the cat. As it is, I'm going to let that one thing negate all the other beauty in my day. Damn. Do you know what I mean? That feeling when you just know you're being unreasonable but you can't stop yourself? And then you hate that you feel that way, and you can see how ridiculous it is, and that makes it still worse? At least it's night and I can go to bed.

I guess the beauty is that I will only hold onto it for today. See, I did find it. It's just twisted.